Thursday, July 12, 2007

New Rules

This is my version of New Rules. It's based off the comedy bit that Bill Maher does on his HBO show. I'll keep adding to it as I think of more:

If you've joined the cast of ER, and find yourself successful there, that doesn't mean you can count it as a career resurrection. I saw John Stamos the other night (by the other night, this was some time ago) talking about how while his attempt to helm a series in Jake in Progress was admittedly a failure, he's happy to have found his groove on E.R. Newsflash: John Stamos, you are still not a successful TV actor. Joining the cast of E.R. is like being traded to the San Antonio Spurs as their 12th man and picking up a championship ring with them. Carrot Top and Fran Drescher could join the cast of E.R. and the show would still live to see another season. E.R. is just one of those shows like The Simpsons, Law and Order, and Meet the Press, that is no longer amazing television but has been going on for so long and is in such a secure timeslot that the networks just leave it alone. There kinds of shows don't end until way after they have passed their prime.

Conan O'Brien (and probably David Letterman too) can no longer use people as punchlines to his monologues that he has as guests on his show. I saw Lindsay Lohan on his show the other day and he was as cordial to her as can be for someone who exploits her family dysfunction on a weekly basis. Conan O'Brien also cannot use the star of a just-cancelled NBC sitcom like John Lithgow, Matt LeBlanc or Whoopi Goldberg as a punchline to a monologue joke if he had that guest on at the beginning of the TV season to plug their show and he himself noted how much he "just loved their show."

All the major newspapers should collectively limit themselves to a quota of ten stories on how handsome and dashing George Clooney is to a minimum. And if we're gonna praise George Clooney for his ability to bring publicity to the misery going on in Africa, then why don't we write articles about what he actually does in Africa rather than write articles about how great of a guy he is because of what he does in Africa.

Anyone who acts as a first career gets priority in casting to anyone who acts as a second career and uses the publicity to promote their first career, whether it be stand-up comedian (Dane Cook, Kevin James), actress (Mandy Moore, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake, Li'l Bow-Wow, Drew Lechay, Nelly), basketball players (Shaq, Darius Miles), or rich girl (Paris Hilton). Speaking of which, Joe Simpson cannot be allowed to make movies (Employee of the Month or Blonde Ambition) simply because he wants to find something for his daughter to do.

No more commercials for movie promotions saying "It's official. Jackass 2/Saw III/RV/Silent Hill/Failure to Launch is the #1 movie in America. Come see what all the buzz is about" without enclosing a disclaimer to the public that you're film is the #1 movie in America for this past weekend and not the whole year. You must also disclose that in any given year about 30 pictures share that honor with you and that you're only competition was:
-Fearless and Flyboys in the case of Jackass 2,
-The Departed in its 4th weekend of release in the case of Saw III
-United 93 which only had a 1/3 the number of theaters that you did for opening weekend and Stick It in the case of RV
-Two equally forgettable movies like The Sentinel and American Dreams in the case of Silent Hill
-The Shaggy Dog and The Hills Have Eyes in the case of Failure to Launch