Saturday, October 16, 2010

Me outdoing Letterman's entire writing staff with better top ten lists

These are actual top ten lists used on David Letterman's show. I copy the titles and come up with my own versions

Top ten things going through the Chilean miners’ minds as they were being towed up
1. If they tow me up a little quicker, I can beat rush hour traffic on the Trans-Atacama Expressway.
2. If my wife doesn’t show up, I’m just gonna passionately kiss the first woman I see
3. I’m finally gonna get to find out what happened on the series finale of Lost!
4. Sure we were all friends in the cave because we needed each other for survival, but I’ll bet Jose will be too cool to talk to us when we get back on the outside
5. Who was taking in the mail while I was gone?
6. Honestly, I was starting to like the cave
7. Ah man, I left my wallet down there
8. Next time, I go down a mine like that, I’m taking out an insurance policy
9. We weren’t really starving. There was actually an Olive Garden down there, but the whole being without food or water angle plays better for the media
10. Man, if I get out and learn that Chile lost in the 2nd round of the World Cup to Brazil by more than 2 goals, I’m just gonna go back down to the cave for another four years

Top 10 Barack Obama enemies:
10. The members of his staff who keep asking him about his birth certificate
9. Oil
8. Vinegar-Worse for your sodium intake than oil at the salad table and faaar more tempting
7. Education Seceretary Arne Duncan-The bastard is white, plays basketball better than him and outscored him on the SATs. Hates him.
6. Jay Leno-Barack lives to watch Conan at night and Jay took that away from him
5. Former Chicago Bulls Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon-No one leaves the Chicago Bulls as a free agent for more money under Obama’s watch
4. The Punahou High School coach who opted not to start Barack Obama on his high school team. Oh sure, they had a nice photo op in the Oval Office last year, but it was all a facade.
3. Sunlight-It melts him
2. The ladies on the View-Completely humiliated him by asking him pop culture questions he didn’t know the answer to
1. Sarah Palin-duh

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