The Rise and Comfortable Fall of Jack Sparrow

This was written in 2011 for Examiner.com which went out of business a while back

The pirate genre has always been waiting for just the right people to revive it and with Johnny Depp, Jerry Bruckheimer, and screenwriters Terry Russo and Ted Elliot*, that's just what happened with the original Pirates of the Caribbean

I loved the original Pirates installment but I distinctly remember how much more I've liked it in retrospect. It might have barely made my top ten in 2003** but now I would probably place it among the ten most memorable films of the decade.

This sentiment has been echoed by many film critics at the time: Brian McKay's review at efilmcrtic*** is fairly typical: "Yo ho ho-hum, the ride was better, and shorter. The two main stars of the film are some fantastic visuals and Johnny Depp's performance (which is the saving grace many times over)." That review reflected the general consensus on the film: A little long and the storyline meanders, but it's got a few fantastic elements.

Those notable elements have really grown on me over time. No offense to Javier Bardem or Heath Ledger, but I would consider Johnny Depp's portrayal of the wily and perpetually drunk Jack Sparrow as the greatest original**** performance of the decade and the musical score is also my favorite from any film of the last decade as well (can you even remember any other movie score off the top of your head?).

Like myself, A lot of other critics have retrospectively considered Pirates a classic, partially because the later films highlighted just how great the original one was. If the story line meandered a little in the first one, that was nothing compared to the sequels. By the third installment, the plot was unintelligible.

The original also had a certain novelty to it (although that's a problem with almost all sequels). Because Orlando Bloom's Will Turner was the dynamic character with a love interest, that relegated Jack Sparrow to being more of a side character. He was like Zach Galifanakas in the Hangover or Will Ferrell in Old School: Freed from the obligation of driving the plot forward, he could muck things up all he wanted which contrasted well with the Goody Two Shoes personality of Will Turner.

The sequels diluted themselves with so many dues-ex-machinas that explained away so many would-be deaths, that people forget that the audience was half-convinced that Jack Sparrow wouldn't survive to the end of the movie. There was palpable drama being created from watching this inebriated character, who looked as though he were in over his head, constantly outsmart everyone around him. There was also a catharsis in watching Johnny Depp, who had built a career by condescending to the mainstream tastes of average cinemagoers, not just embracing a role in a Disney film (as mainstream as you can get), but completely owning it.

For those reasons, the magic of the original cannot really be replicated in sequels although it didn't help that the screenwriters completely muddled up their own franchise.

At its best, the sequels just offer standard genre fair. You know exactly what you're expecting but it has some great acting, special effects, and some very clever action pieces. Even as the plot had you scratching your head in Dead Man's Chest, you can't deny that the opening scene as the pirates escape the cannibals or the three-way sword fight on a renegade watermill are absolutely breathtaking scenes.
 

It's in that spirit that you might best enjoy Pirates. It's still 40 minutes too long and the story's as convoluted as ever but there are a few great set pieces, some memorable acting turns, and a genuinely exotic sense of adventure.

It's probably a good thing that Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly are gone. There's a very good subplot between a mermaid and a priest that might have been squeezed out if there was a need to keep storylines going for Elizabeth and Will. Many of the other new additions to the cast have little to do other than overennunciate their "R"s and brandish about

their swords, but Penelope Cruz really brings something to the table with some genuine sexual heat.

With the great attention to visual detail, I'd definitely recommend catching Pirates of the Caribbean at the Uptown Theater in Cleveland Heights where it's playing until June 9th. 

*Elliott and Russo are the screenwriters and pretty fascinating guys when interviewed. I didn't include directors Gore Verbinski (the first three) or Rob Marshall (the fourth installment) because I don't think they were as integral to the template. Some people disagree.

**A little secret: Serious film watchers are usually pretty nerdy in that they're constantly keeping top ten lists

***Brian McKay isn't the first person I go to for a review and I have never heard of him before, but I believe that his review summarizes the general feeling at the time very well

****I use the word "original" because I might give a slight edge to Jamie Foxx or Forest Whitaker in their Oscar-winning performances for eerily replicating the mannerisms of historical figures

My 65 Favorite Film Quotes: Part I

     I was never particularly impressed with the idea of memorializing film through memorable lines of dialogue. Quoting a single line is more of a parlor trick and the way lines live on in pop culture like "We're gonna need a bigger boat," "Here's looking at you kid" and "I'll get you my pretty" aren't any more welcome to cultural discourse than modern-day memes are. Besides, the conversation should shift to films that have great dialogue throughout the entire movie. Nevertheless, I was recently convinced otherwise by my good friend Adam Spector in a recent roundtable discussion and especially after seeing his list. I'm offering one of my own and following his ground rules for not including more than one from any one film, I'll split this up in two as well. Keep in mind that I'm only selecting films I've seen so no Godfather, Scarface or Rocky. 

1. Fran Kubelick: Shut up and deal
-The Apartment (1960)

A perfect last line to dampen any potential sappiness of this light-hearted love story with dark undertones.

2. Luke: What we've got here is a failure to communicate
-Cool Hand Luke (1967)

This is somewhat of a shocker of a scene because it’s really hard to figure out what will happen on first viewing. Luke is ultimately a fool but he’s so charismatic and crafty that you feel like it’s roughly 50/50 odds that he will come out on top in this moment.

3. Jake Gittes: Why are you doing it? How much better can you eat? What could you buy that you can't already afford?

Noah Cross: The future, Mr. Gittes! The future. Now, where's the girl? I want the only daughter I've got left. As you found out, Evelyn was lost to me a long time ago.

Jake Gittes: Who do you blame for that? Her?

Noah Cross: I don't blame myself. You see, Mr. Gittes, most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and the right place, they're capable of anything.

-Chinatown (1974)

Seems especially relevant in 2017 where several cabinet level positions are being filled by inexperienced millionaires and billionaires who are taking these positions for enigmatic reasons. Perhaps, it’s the future they want. The second two lines are an entirely separate thread but they are also among the most memorable lines of the movie and I had the convenience of not having to put ellipses.

4. Colonel Dax: I apologize... for not being entirely honest with you. I apologize for not revealing my true feelings. I apologize, sir, for not telling you sooner that you're a degenerate, sadistic old man. And you can go to hell before I apologize to you now or ever again!

-Paths to Glory (1957)

The apotheosis of all films resolved through one whopper of a “fuck you” monologue.

5. Clarence: [In book inscription] Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends. --It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Or as they say in the 2010s, no man is a failure who has candy crush requests whenever he logs into Facebook.

6. Alan Turing: You got what you wanted. A husband, a job... a normal life.

Joan Clarke: No one normal could have done that. Do you know, this morning... I was on a train that went through a city that wouldn't exist if it wasn't for you. I bought a ticket from a man who would likely be dead if it wasn't for you. I read up on my work... a whole field of scientific inquiry that only exists because of you. And while you wish you could have been normal... I can promise you I do not. The world is an infinitely better place precisely because you weren't.

Alan Turing: You really think that?

Joan Clarke: I think, that sometimes it is the people who no one imagines anything of, who do the things no one... can imagine.

-Imitation Game (2014)

The summation of a person being defined by what he does rather than his faults. This is somewhat of a "Rosebud" moment. Despite his anti-social behavior, Turing longed to be defined by "normality" and being someone who fit in.  

7. Schwartz: Well, Hank was a great detective all right.

Tanya: And a lousy cop.

Schwartz: Is that all you have to say for him?

Tanya: He was some kind of a man... What does it matter what you say about people?

-Touch of Evil (1958)

This extremely rich character study is sort of an anti-“rosebud” of sorts for Orson Welles' final film. Whereas “Citizen Kane” was about getting to the bottom of a person’s external identity, “Touch of Evil” is more noirish and reaches the darker conclusion that you simply can’t know a person past a certain point so such characterizations are useless.

8. Arthur Jensen: You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it! Is that clear? You think you've merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case! The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance! You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no third worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds, and shekels. It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and YOU... WILL... ATONE! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state, Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, minimax solutions, and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments, just like we do. We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable bylaws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. It has been since man crawled out of the slime. And our children will live, Mr. Beale, to see that... perfect world... in which there's no war or famine, oppression or brutality. One vast and ecumenical holding company, for whom all men will work to serve a common profit, in which all men will hold a share of stock. All necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized, all boredom amused. And I have chosen you, Mr. Beale, to preach this evangel.

Howard Beale: Why me?

Arthur Jensen: Because you're on television, dummy.

-Network (1976)

Jensen (Ned Beatty who got Oscar-nominated for what was essentially a one-scene performance) spits this diatribe out so fast, it’s almost impossible to get it all on no matter how many times you see this film. This begs the question, why is Paddy Chayefsky writing such an insightful commentary on the state of the world in 1976 in a manner no one could hear but that’s just how Paddy rolls.  One cannot understate the impact of the way Ned Beatty comes across more like God then in quote #14 due to the cinematography and Beatty’s delivery.

9. Phyllis: My husband. You were anxious to talk to him weren't you?

Walter Neff: Yeah, I was, but I'm sort of getting over the idea, if you know what I mean.

Phyllis: There's a speed limit in this state, Mr. Neff. Forty-five miles an hour.

Walter Neff: How fast was I going, officer?

Phyllis: I'd say around ninety.

Walter Neff: Suppose you get down off your motorcycle and give me a ticket.

Phyllis: Suppose I let you off with a warning this time.

Walter Neff: Suppose it doesn't take.

Phyllis: Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles.

Walter Neff: Suppose I bust out crying and put my head on your shoulder.

Phyllis: Suppose you try putting it on my husband's shoulder.

-Double Indemnity (1944)

Exhibit A for the case against old movies being overly tame about sex. Also, exhibit A for how they just don’t like write dialogue like they used to.

10. Jack Sparrow: Gentlemen, you’ll remember this as the day you almost caught Jack Sparrow

-Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

The oft-repeated line that encapsulates Jack Sparrow’s larger-than-life quality. He not only talks about himself in the third person but as a future historical figure. How appropriately meta. 

11. Julian Marsh: Sawyer, you listen to me, and you listen hard. Two hundred people, two hundred jobs, two hundred thousand dollars, five weeks of grind and blood and sweat depend upon you. It's the lives of all these people who've worked with you. You've got to go on, and you've got to give and give and give. They've got to like you. Got to. Do you understand? You can't fall down. You can't because your future's in it, my future and everything all of us have is staked on you. All right, now I'm through, but you keep your feet on the ground and your head on those shoulders of yours and go out, and Sawyer, you're going out a youngster but you've got to come back a star!

-42^nd Street (1933)

The best pep talk in cinema history augmented with undercurrents of financial desperation. 

12. Yolanda Johnson: How about just a moment of silence?

Garrison Keillor: Silence on the radio... I don't know how that works. 

-Prairie Home Companion  (2006) 

This ranks so high because it perfectly encapsulates the character of “Garrison Keillor” (who, yes, is a real person) as a man whose aloof adherence to routine make him as comfortable with death as he will ever be. Keillor’s congenial stubbornness is echoed many times throughout the film and echoes director Robert Altman’s unpublicized life-ending illness between when this film was made and its subsequent release.

13. Harry Lime: Nobody thinks in terms of human beings. Governments don't. Why should we? They talk about the people and the proletariat, I talk about the suckers and the mugs - it's the same thing. They have their five-year plans, so have I.

Martins: You used to believe in God.

Harry Lime: Oh, I still do believe in God, old man. I believe in God and Mercy and all that. But the dead are happier dead. They don't miss much here, poor devils.

-The Third Man (1949)

It's brilliant that it isn't until halfway through that Lime doesn't actually appear until half way through the film so the legend of the man (mostly positive) has a lot of space to grow in our minds by the time we see how slimy he is

14. God: Grace. You want her back?

Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through your eyes.

God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

-Bruce Almighty (2003)

A very simple lesson about love. If you haven’t seen the film, God is not some voice from above but Morgan Freeman in a white suit standing a few feet away from Bruce (Jim Carrey) so it’s a very grounded look at the nature of spiritual connection.

15. Alexander Andrews: Do you love her?

Peter Warne: A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her without going nutty! She's my idea of nothing!

Alexander Andrews: I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?

Peter Warne: YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!

-It Happened One Night (1934)

16. Blake: You certainly don't, pal, 'cause the good news is - you're fired. The bad news is - you've got, all of you've got just one week to regain your jobs starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh? Have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired. Get the picture? You laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money, get their names to sell them; you can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit. You ARE shit. Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it 'cause you are going OUT.

-Glengarry Glenn Ross (1992)

Perhaps, the most famous example of a one-scene wonder. Alec Baldwin was not Oscar-nominated for his role here but it wouldn’t have been that strange if he was. David Mamet wrote this as an unforgiving critique of capitalism and even if subsequent stage productions of the play have softened the actions of the agents by comparison but Blake's monologue holds up.

17. Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.

Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.

Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?

Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.

Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.

Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

-Adaptation (2002)

Words to live by. The scene's theme of self-discovery is puctuated by the fact that Donald and Charlie are symbolically different sides of the same person.

18. Cory: Can I ask you a question? [pause]  How come you ain't never liked me?

Troy: Like you? What law is there sayin' I got to like you?

Cory: None.

Troy: All right then. Don't you eat every day? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't you eat every day?

Cory: Yeah...

Troy: As long as you're in my house you put a "Sir" on the end of it when you talk to me.

Cory: Yes, Sir.

Troy: You eat every day?

Cory: Yes, Sir.

Troy: You got a roof over you head?

Cory: Yes, Sir.

Troy: Got clothes on your back?

Cory: Yes, Sir.

Troy: Why you think that is?

Cory: 'Cause of you?

Troy: [chuckles] Hell, I know it's 'cause of me. But why do you think that is?

Cory: 'Cause you like me?

Troy: Like you? I go outta here every morning, I bust my butt 'cause I like you? You're about the biggest fool I ever saw. A man is supposed to take care of his family. You live in my house, feed your belly with my food, put your behind on my bed because you're my son. It's my duty to take care of you, I owe a responsibility to you, I ain't got to like you! Now, I gave everything I got to give you! I gave you your life! Me and your Mama worked out between us and liking your black ass wasn't part of the bargain! Now don't you go through life worrying about whether somebody like you or not!

-Fences (2016)

I was rooting for the Casey Affleck to get the Oscar this past year but I have a new appreciation for Denzel Washington after seeing him pop up everywhere on my list. This line seems cruel on the surface (and out of context) but it’s absolutely 100% true.

19. Tommy Johnson: I had to be up at that there crossroads last midnight, to sell my soul to the devil.

Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, ain't it a small world, spiritually speaking. Pete and Delmar just been baptized and saved. I guess I'm the only one that remains unaffiliated.

-O Brother Where Art Thou (2000)

This film is a love letter to Mississippi and the state’s most famous and peculiar piece of lore—Blues legend Robert Johnson selling his soul to the devil at the intersection of Highways 49 and 61 in Clarksdale—is mashed up here with early Christain mythology and topped up with the declaration that McGill (George Clooney) is still a religious free agent.

20. King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

French Soldier: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

King Arthur: What?

Sir Galahad: He said they've already got one!

King Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?

French Soldier: Oh yes, it's very nice!

-Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

True story: One night my freshman year of college, two kids painted nearly half the campus walk one Saturday night with the entirety of the “Knights of Ni” interchange. For my MPatHG, I’m going with the greatest brick joke in history.

21. Harold Crick: Who would choose pancakes over life?
Professor Jules Pfeiffer: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes.
-Stranger than Fiction (2006)

22. Roger Thornhill: Now you listen to me, I'm an advertising man, not a red herring. I've got a job, a secretary, a mother, two ex-wives and several bartenders that depend upon me, and I don't intend to disappoint them all by getting myself "slightly" killed.

-North by Northwest (1959)

Keep in mind, these words come out of Cary Grant who pulls off so many contradictory character traits all at once: Debonair, fussy, self-involved, charasmatic.

23. Pike Bishop: We're not gonna get rid of anybody! We're gonna stick together, just like it used to be! When you side with a man, you stay with him! And if you can't do that, you're like some animal, you're finished! *We're* finished! All of us!

-Wild Bunch (1969)

As the genre of the Western evolved, the cowboy heroes became evolved from agents of mediation between good and bad in the West to simply people who could sling guns faster than their opponents. This line is an attempt to impose a morality among thieves.

 

24. Father Brendan Flynn: [to Sister James] There are people who go after your humanity, Sister, that tell you that the light in your heart is a weakness. Don't believe it. It's an old tactic of cruel people to kill kindness in the name of virtue.

-Doubt

Makes you miss Phillip Seymour Hoffman even more that he could pull off a line like that.

25. Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.

Jerry: I'm a boy.

Joe: That's the boy.

Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?

Joe: What engagement present?

Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.

Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!

Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?

-Some Like it Hot (1959)

I wanted to do the “where are you going on your honeymoon” line but it’s not on IMDB

26. Muse: Look at me.

Captain Richard Phillips: Sure.

Muse: Look at me.

Captain Richard Phillips: Sure.

Muse: I'm the captain now.

-Captain Phillips (2013)

This film has tons of good dialogue and hopefully was rewarded properly during the awards season. It’s also a nice coincidence that the film’s best line ended up being an indelible catchphrase that memed its way across culture for a good while.

27. Lawrence Garfield: Amen. And amen. And amen. You have to forgive me. I'm not familiar with the local custom. Where I come from, you always say "Amen" after you hear a prayer. Because that's what you just heard - a prayer. Where I come from, that particular prayer is called "The Prayer for the Dead." You just heard The Prayer for the Dead, my fellow stockholders, and you didn't say, "Amen." This company is dead. I didn't kill it. Don't blame me. It was dead when I got here. It's too late for prayers. For even if the prayers were answered, and a miracle occurred, and the yen did this, and the dollar did that, and the infrastructure did the other thing, we would still be dead. You know why? Fiber optics. New technologies. Obsolescence. We're dead alright. We're just not broke. And you know the surest way to go broke? Keep getting an increasing share of a shrinking market. Down the tubes. Slow but sure. You know, at one time there must've been dozens of companies making buggy whips. And I'll bet the last company around was the one that made the best goddamn buggy whip you ever saw. Now how would you have liked to have been a stockholder in that company? You invested in a business and this business is dead. Let's have the intelligence, let's have the decency to sign the death certificate, collect the insurance, and invest in something with a future. "Ah, but we can't," goes the prayer. "We can't because we have responsibility, a responsibility to our employees, to our community. What will happen to them?" I got two words for that: Who cares? Care about them? Why? They didn't care about you. They sucked you dry. You have no responsibility to them. For the last ten years this company bled your money. Did this community ever say, "We know times are tough. We'll lower taxes, reduce water and sewer." Check it out: You're paying twice what you did ten years ago. And our devoted employees, who have taken no increases for the past three years, are still making twice what they made ten years ago; and our stock - one-sixth what it was ten years ago. Who cares? I'll tell you. Me. I'm not your best friend. I'm your only friend. I don't make anything? I'm making you money. And lest we forget, that's the only reason any of you became stockholders in the first place. You want to make money! You don't care if they manufacture wire and cable, fried chicken, or grow tangerines! You want to make money! I'm the only friend you've got. I'm making you money. Take the money. Invest it somewhere else. Maybe, maybe you'll get lucky and it'll be used productively. And if it is, you'll create new jobs and provide a service for the economy and, God forbid, even make a few bucks for yourselves. And if anybody asks, tell 'em ya gave at the plant. And by the way, it pleases me that I am called "Larry the Liquidator." You know why, fellow stockholders? Because at my funeral, you'll leave with a smile on your face and a few bucks in your pocket. Now that's a funeral worth having!

-Other People’s Money (1991)

I was thinking of putting Wall Street’s “Greed is Good” but why not use up more word space with this Danny DeVito monologue. When my dad went to a leadership training seminar late in his career, they played both this and the Gregory Peck speech.

28. Dr. Otternschlag: Grand Hotel... always the same. People come, people go. Nothing ever happens.

–Grand Hotel (1932)

This line, of course, is a complete lie based on the story we’ve witnessed because almost everything imaginable has happened if Dr. Otternschlag was a wee bit more perceptive:  A man gained his self-confidence by telling off a man who mistreated him, a woman was left without a job, a man fell in love with a reclusive ballerina, a robber was exposed, a man was shot and another man arrested for the murder, two lost souls agreed to become travel companions to one another.

29. Vernon Hardapple: Why did you keep writing this book if you didn't even know what it was about?

Grady Tripp: I couldn't stop.

-Wonder Boys (2000)

The film and this line is about the way we pursue our goals without thought and for no reason other than that's what we've always been doing. The protagonist (Michael Douglas) is a brilliant English professor and writer who just lost the manuscript for his next book. Because losing your hard drive isn't particularly cinematic, we witness a glorious cascade of flying pages out the window of a taxi cab on a rainy day.

30. Laine Hanson: Principles only mean something when you stick to them when its inconvenient.

-The Contender (2000)

In this underrated Rod Lurie film, Joan Allen is a vice presidential nominee waiting to be confirmed by the Senate when some salacicious photos threaten to derail her confirmation. She won't say whether the photos are authentic or not.

 

31. Sofía: Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

-Vanilla Sky (2001)

This is the classic Cameron Crowe movie making practice of building a movie around a catchy phrase or two as motifs. Not much about the rest of the film is memorable, but this got drilled into my head like "Show Me the Money" and was a much more applicable life lesson. 

32. Captain of Louisa: By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William the Second I pronounce you man and wife - proceed with the execution.

-The African Queen (1951)

The interplay between two of the greatest cinematic opposites to fall in love makes for a lot of great dialogue but this is a great quote partially because it encapsulates a lovely yet absurd action so well. 

Part II is here

Every Film Ive seen in 2007 II: Films 23-44

This is a continuation of a lengthy exercise in which I ranked every single film I saw in 2007 from best to worst. Here's Part I.

23. National Treasure 2-If you buy the ridiculous premise that another archaeological gold mine that would fall into Ben Gates's lap, then this is a reasonably entertaining film with some top rate action scenes and lots more fun with history. Otherwise, it's the kind of film that makes plot hole enthusiasts' heads explode with possibilities. The president can easily be kidnapped, Buckingham Palace has laxer security than your local library, and you can break as many laws as you want as long as you want as long as it's in the name of a dead relative who passed away 150 years ago. Helen Mirren joins the cast which is always fun and Ty Burrell (before "Modern Family") can be spotted here like Where's Waldo,

24. Transformers - While there certainly wasn't enough creative juice to merit a good sequel to this film and the film was highly Michael Bayish in its love of explosions, superficial human interaction, hot girls, and general coolness, there was a Spielbergian element in the middle of all of it too (common themes: boy needs a friend, boy needs a daddy figure, girl and boy unite over lack of respective daddy figures) that made the film charming at times. 

25. My Brother -A small independent film screened at a film festival I attended, this film tells the story of an African-American kid who watches over his disabled brother as a grown-up. It's highlighted by a great performance by Vanessa Williams and Tatum O'Neal who slum it in the indie world but get some good results.

26. Music and Lyrics-Hugh Grant straddles a thin line between charming and boring and has failed to carry many a film, but he succeeds here because, like Blades of Glory, this is a film that doesn't aim particularly high and delivered on lower ambitions. One caveat: The whole film does rely on you buying the premise that a reasonably intelligent professional songwriter can't string basic rhymes out of words and has never heard of a thesaurus.

27. Ocean's 13-Ocean's 12 was such a self-indulgent mess that in press conferences preceding the film, cast members (Matt Damon on Inside the Actor's Studio comes to mind) were saying that while the cast was enjoying each other's company and the exotic locations, they were being professional and working. And the funny thing is they weren't even being asked: They just volunteered this information as if anyone would doubt that actors would do anything but act on a film set. With the disaster behind them, the Ocean's 13 crew had a respectable third outing in that it had a coherent plot but trying to lower the yelp rating (oops, excuse me, diamond rating) of a casino is not as exciting as a classic heist and I found the franchise's choice to reduce the stakes rather then up the level of excitement baffling. On the upside: Ellen Barkin, David Paymer and Al Pacino were all inspired casting choices.

28. The Hoax-For such a grand premise (a guy fooling the world into thinking he's a biographer of Howard Hughes), The Hoax was moderately uneventful which made the film feel a little pretentious. On the positive, it had some nice character moments here and there.

29. Lucky You-Curtis Hanson is a great director (LA Confidential, Wonderboys, In Her Shoes, 8 Mile) and this film has his trademarks of quiet moments, self-reflexive characters, immersion in a subculture, but this film felt a little dreary and the plot lacked forward movement. Wasn't necessarily a bad film but not Hanson's best work

30. Evan Almighty-If you're wondering why this ridiculously tenously connected sequel exists the answer is twofold: 1) Bruce Almighty grossed north of $200 million. For a comedy, that's pretty damn good, and even if it came with a neatly packaged ending, Hollywood economics supercede story: A sequel had to be made 2) Jim Carrey didn't want to do it and, fortunately, Steve Carell had became a star in the interim. Because they built an elaborate ark (fun fact: the ark was constructed and shot in Virginia, a casting call went out to my college and a couple friends were extras) , this was technically the most expensive comedy to date. Some critics ripped on the film for unwisely spending all that money for a superfluous ark but I think they missed the point: plus or minus an ark, the entire film was a grand piece of superfluousness. Evan was a one-note villain who only merited a film of his own unless you sweep it all under the rug and retcon him as a deeper character. If you can get past all that, then it's an, at times, moderately decent comedy.

31. Walk Hard-The best parodies tend to be more subtle. Walk Hard tended to hit you over the head with a grand announcement that it was a parody.

32. Charlie Barrett-I find it interesting that Iron Man was touted as Rob Downey Jr's comeback when here he was in a film the year before. Not one that anyone saw, but still. This film is a high school dramedy about a new transfer (Anton Yelchin) who goes from selling his adderroll to becoming the unofficial school psychologist and sports star. It's kind of a thin plot but has its moments.

33. Fantastic Four Part II-I can't tell whether Fantastic Four came along at an earlier point in the development of comic books or it was the movie's fault but this quartet of superheroes seems oddly one-dimensional: You have the womanizer who won't settle down, the big lug of a tough guy, the dweeby scientist and Jessica Alba's invisible heroines who is, surprisingly, the only character who feels like more than one-and-a-half dimensions. The best I can come up with for a compliment to this film is not awful.

34. Shrek 3-I have literally no memory of this film. How often does that happen five years later that you can't recall a single detail of a film? I clearly remember the Shrek universe and distinctly remember the plots of the first and second installments but this must have been a very unremarkable film. On the other hand, a truly awful film gets burnt on my memory which is why this doesn't have lower placement.

35. Invasion-A remake of the 1950's sci-fi classic "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" or possibly a remake of the 1976 Donald Sutherland-Brooke Adams remake, who can really keep track of this unorigiality anymore? The film felt uninspired (because it was) but made for a halfway decent action film.

36. Mr Magoriums Wonder Emporium-After so many remakes and sequels, I'm glad to finally get to an entry on the list that's original. Zach Helm, who wrote the screenplay to the highly inventive "Stranger than Fiction", approaches this film with the same sense of whimsy but it still feels like a second rate version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with an admirably odd turn by Dustin Hoffman as a Wonkaesque stand-in.

37. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry-Adam Sandler's usual mixture of heartfelt emotion and juvenile humor barely worked in its favor in this slightly misguided but ultimately tolerable take on the gay marriage debate. The film was met with some criticism for being outwardly homophobic. Like all Adam Sandler films, the film treats its subjects with underlying warmth but tackles human complexities (in this case, a delicate subject such as sexual orientation) with the emotional maturity of an eight year old, which is what Adam Sandler essentially is. It's not his fault: When he first broke out his guitar and started singing as a prepubsecent boy on SNL, we encouraged it, and enabled him to never grow up emotionally or comically.

38. No Country for Old Men-Cinematography was top-notch but was there a point to this film? I'm sure someone out there could watch this film and read some thematically coherent message from it, but I'm guessing most of the film's fans (including the Oscar voters for some odd reason) just liked it because it included a cool weapon, a villain with a weird haircut and dialogue so vague he became interesting, and a couple cool action scenes. I love some of the films by the Coen brothers but when they don't resonate with you, they feel like you're presented with a series of superficial objects and tricks with nothing beneath the surface.

39. Golden Compass-Rule #1 when delving into heavily complex mythological tale: Make it interesting. Otherwise, it feels like you're just reading the rule book to some complicated board game.

40. Pirates of the Caribbean III-Once upon a time, Disney brilliantly revived the pirate genre with a film that was a little bit long-winded but ultimately a lot of fun. Then, in attempting to stretch the series into a trilogy, some terrible decisions were made: Rather than simplify the mythology (this is, after all, a film based on a ride) they added entirely new plots on top of unresolved ones. If you remember, the first film ends with Depp an outlaw and Bloom trying to clear his name. That would be a good movie in itself, but they decided to add some entirely new mythic octopus on top of everything that kind of nullified the first film (Why would Jack care about fighting for control of the Black Pearl if both the souls of he and Barbosa were owned by a giant octopus anyway?). The second film ends with no resolution to the first film and Johnny Depp being taken prisoner by the octopus. The third film bloated things into a gigantic mess by conveniently introducing the fact that the tertiary character played by Tia Dalma happends to be enormously powerful and brings some dangerous spell of her own. Oh and Chow Yung-Fat is some Asian sea captain who imprisons Elizabeth and Keith Richards shows up because, why not at this point?

41. Nancy Drew-I saw this film with a couple younger cousins and while I get that the film appeals primarily to kids, there's no harm in making it presentable to an older demographic. This film suffered because there was a clear need to dumb down and simplify basic plot elements to be digestible. On the bright side, this film is responsible for keeping former Mango/Antonio Banderas SNL stalwart Chris Kattan employed for the year of 2007.

42. License to Wed-Imagine a romantic comedy starring Jim from The Office in full smugness mode without the endearing romantic backstory that made the Jim-Pam relationship work and you're only at the start of the list of problems with this poorly thought-out disaster. See, faux-Jim is engaged to an annoyingly cheery woman (Mandy Moore) and must get permission from pastor Robin Williams to proceed with marraige. Only, Robin Williams is a troublesome creep who seeks to sabatoge him. Or maybe he isn't and faux-Jim's overly suspicious. It doesn't really matter because by the third act, both these plots are bafflingly forgotten and everyone celebrates matrimony on the beach. It's one of the most abrupt endings I've ever seen. If that's not bad enough, the movie features Brian Bumgartener playing an even dumber guy than Kevin Malone and easily the most cringeworthy line of dialogue of 2007: When Mandy Moore suggests they abstain before the wedding, faux-Jim responds "but I want to play tickle my pickle with my girlfriend." Oh the horror.

43. Superbad-Yes, I got the memo that this film became somewhat of a classic. Still, the general populance gets things wrong sometimes. This film is crass, sophomoric, and worst of all, uneventful. I don't mind a film being low-brow if it goes somewhere but it appears that they set the record for number of f-words in a film for no other reason than it sounded cool. Yes, two high school senior boys on an average Saturday night are gonna be thinking about sex a lot and they're going to stumble their way through a party or two in search of it, but that doesn't mean it's an interesting thing to put on film.

44. 1408-I probably made a mistake by watching this one as horror really isn't my genre. Not getting the appeal of the film before I begin the viewing experience isn't a good place to start. 1408 felt like an ameteurish b-movie.

Artistic integrity can't interfere when tentpoles are at stake

Three is no longer the fitting number for movie sequels when it comes to maintaining artistic credibility. It's now a matter of how long the studios can keep making money from these sequels because Hollywood is just too addicted to tent poles and the instant stream of revenues they create to be able to maintain any artistic integrity anymore. What comes to mind when I say this is the fact that Shrek, Spiderman, and Pirates of the Carribean are all going to be releasing a fourth installment of their series in movie theaters, despite the fact that despite great starts and sophomore outings, most critics and viewers agree the franchises all sputtered out of gas by the time they hit the back-ends of their trilogies.

What most viewers don't know is that except for the two Star Wars trilogies (the prequels and the originals), Shrek, Pirates of the Carribean and Spiderman have been the three biggest trilogies ever to hit the box office, boasting a combined four films in the top 10 highest-grossing films of all time and 8 in the top 30, so far. Even when the quality of their films declined heavily in poorly reviewed third installments, they were still able to gross monstrous amounts based on name recognition alone, when viewers set massive opening weekend records in May of 2007 when all three film trilogies came out. Before anyone qeven had time to tell their coworkers when they got back to work on Monday, just how bad the films were, these films made their money back in three days, and that's likely what will happen when the franchises come back again in part IV, until people wisen up and break their moviegoing habits.

Even worse in this trend is that studios can't afford to give their star properties much breathing room anymore. Look at The Incredible Hulk, Star Trek, James Bond, Batman and the previously mentioned Pirates of the Carribean in comparison to Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones and Star Wars were films that essentially stopped after their stories were done being told. Due to fan demand and an appropriately long enough hiatus, these two franchises came back 16 years later in the case of Star Wars and 19 years later in the case of Indiana Jones. Part of the justification was that the stories could be introduced to a new generation. Although neither one of these franchises were particularly good when they were rebooted, one can't deny that the hype, anticipation, and ultimately, their opening weekend grosses, were far greater than that of any of the films in the first category.

In the first category of films, there was virtually no time to wait until a generation had passed. Hollywood tides move much faster than they used to and no one can afford to wait 15 or more years to not capitalize on a hot property of theirs. Thus we have:
-James Bond rebooted after a measly four years (Die Another Day 2002-Casino Royale 2006)
-Star Trek reappearing in theaters after only a 7 year break (Nemesis, 2002) and a 4-year break since the Star Trek franchise dissapeared on TV (Enterprise in 2005)
-Batman taking only a seven year break between Batman and Robin (1999) one of the decade's biggest failures and Batman Begins
-Hulk rebooting after only a five-year break without even pretending to be any sort of sequel or prequel. It was simply marketed as a "do over."
-Pirates of the Carribean set to appear only three or four years after Pirates of the Carribean III was lampooned by most critics

Themes of various 2007 films

In film classes, whenever we were presenting on films, we usually had to talk about the themes behind each film. Here are themes of 2007 films. I will keep working on this as I go:



Charlie Wilson's War:

-Salvation through Professional Dedication
It's a recurring character point that the film from Charlie Wilson to Gust to Mike (the weapons expert) that none of the man might look the part that they are assigned to do and in the case of Charlie, highly immoral in every which way, but they are all 100% committed to what they're doing, they judge each other by their ability to get the job done and the film expects the audience to like Charlie and Gust based on that as well. The film never even addresses Wilson's ammoral ways because Wilson, himself (or the version of him shown on screen), never was introspective about it, and from what is shown of him at the beginning, you would think that he only cares about the perks of being a Senator but he does end up fighting tooth and nail for something and it's somewhat forced upon us the idea that his immoral ways mean nothing compared to his accomplishments. This is often a theme of Sorkin's work (which is kind of annoying) where every single character on screen happens to be 100% dedicated to their job and no lackadaisical people or slackers were ever born into the Aaron Sorkin universe.

-History repeating itself
A fairly obvious point of the film was showing that this conflict would surface again. People like Rudy Guiliani and Senator Murtha in the Charlie Wilson Story resurface in the present day as major figures and they're included in the story as a reminder of that. Also, people like Crystal, the naked girl in the hot tub, and Amy Adams' character asking "Afghanistan, where's that?" echoed the fact that when Afghanistan entered the forefront of current events after 9/11, a lot of people had a similar reaction in not knowing anything about the country of Afghanistan.

-Good vs Beuracracy
As opposed to good vs evil, beuracracy is the main enemy that Charlie Wilson battles against to reach his goal is the hurdles of beuracracy. The "evil" force, which is the Soviets is not really much of a main character in the story, and the conflict doesn't stop when the Soviets are defeated: Hammered into the quote from Charlie Wilson's book "We fucked up the endgame," is the implication that inneficient beurecrats in Washington are what messed up Afghanistan by not signing a small bill for education. Wilson's power also stems from his ability to make deals and bring people together which is what Washington is about at its best and worst.


No Country for Old Men:

-Inevitability of evil
This is a fairly obvious one. Javier's character presents a sense of inescapable dread. The idea that Tommy Lee Jones knows his time will come is somewhat of an odd one.

-Fate determined by chance
The coin flip mechanism says it all, but it's echoed by a few other developments in the film, and it seems as though Javier Bardem is a force that lives by those developments in chance and believes in enforcing them. He has no logical reason to kill Kelly McDonald's character.







Lions for Lambs:


-Children are our future

-Price of political dissillusionment







Michael Clayton:

-Money vs Truth

-Character is determined by what we chose to do when the stakes are high

-Duality




3:10 to Yuma:

-Bravery isn't defined by societal values

- Honor among thieves

- Hero worship/Perception

- Honor is earned



Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium:



-Adulthood as a liability


-Summoning power from within and that power is imagination







Pirates of the Carribean:



-Always a second chance



-Can't escape our destiny

Hairspray:

-"You can't stop the beat"

-Self-awareness/Coming of Age = Moral awakening

Reading through oversimplified blurbs

Yesterday in USA Today, there was a blurb that read as follows:


"Matt Damon is filmdom's sexiest moneymaker. His The Bourne Ultimatum outgunned The Simpsons at the box office ($131.6 million for Bourne in its second week vs. $128.1 million for The Simpsons). The under-the-radar leading man was named most bankable actor by Forbes. Maybe Ocean's Thirteen co-star George Clooney had the inside track last year when he said Damon should be People's next Sexiest Man Alive?"

The main takeaway from this is that Forbes Magazine really needs to stick to non-movie analysis.

It's true that the "Bourne Ultimatum" is successful but to be considered a bankable actor over the course of your career, you should have to show two hits in a row on your resume. The last movie that starred Matt Damon (an ensemble piece like "Ocean's 13" doesn't really count) was "The Good Shepherd" which netted only $59 million domestically. Not too long before that, "Syriana" netted in just $50 million despite high critical praise and Terry Gilliam's "The Brothers Grimm" earned $37 million.

Box Office Mojo calculates the average gross of a Matt Damon film to be $80.4 million dollars. If we remove the four films (not including cameos) he appeared in prior to his breakout role in Good Will Hunting ("School Ties", "Geronimo", "Courage Under Fire", and "The Rainmaker") that's adjusted to $90.2 million which is still not as good as the unadjusted figures for Jim Carrey ($102 million), Steve Carell ($108.6 million), Tom Cruise ($99.9 million, although he's averaged $120 million since his breakout role in Top Gun), Harrison Ford ($106 million), or Orlando Bloom ($207 million).

One wouldn't expect a Matt Damon movie to necessarily do well because he usually chooses roles like "Bourne Ultimatum", "Syrianna", and "Good Shepherd" with political subtexts that could tend to polarize audiences like Sean Penn. This is not to say Matt Damon is not a truly gifted and admirably intelligent actor because he is. Damon is not a bankable actor but that is because he chooses not to be: He chooses roles carefully and diversifies his challenges.

The problem is to prematurely label him as the new "It boy" in Hollywood and pin lofty commercial expectations on him and his future projects.

Lastly, who's to say "The Bourne Ultimatum" is successful? It's only been out 2 weekends, and it had a 52 percent falloff rate on the second weekend whereas 40-45 percent is considered the average drop off. The article also says it beat the Simpsons movie's 10-day total, but who cares? "The Simpsons" movie was only the sixth highest ten-day total of the summer. "Bourne Ultimatum" didn't beat "Transformers" or "Harry Potter" which didn't have the advantage of being the back-ends of trilogies.

The lesson: Do not read too much into oversimplified blurbs that are written by people with short-term memory. They're created out of little more than a need to throw a couple of facts together into a paragraph to make copy look interesting

Another case in point: USA Today's movie round-up on the front page of the Life section in this very same issue:

"Transformers at No. 11 this weekend, becomes the fourth movie to cross the $300 million mark this year, a record number. This summer is on par to become the largest of all time, with ticket sales up 6% over 2004, the current record holder."

On the contrary, this summer is highly disappointing if ticket sales are up only 6% over 2004. Transformers is the fourth movie to cross the $300 million mark but considering that past installments of the "Shrek", "Spiderman" and the "Pirates of the Caribbean" series have each grossed over $400 million* the third installments were in a position to easily sleepwalk their way into $300 million grosses, which is precisely what they did. The critical consensus is that "Shrek the Third" was an entirely unnecessary tack-on, "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" was incomprehensible, and "Spiderman III" was arguably decent with some definite cringeworthy moments. The fact that the back-ends of the three most successful summer movie trilogies of the decade were all premiering this summer and none of them grossed more than $340 million is an indication of how they disappointed audiences. "Transformers" is an unabashed success but it's still too early to tell if "Bourne Ultimatum" or "Harry Potter" will join them.

*Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, Shrek II, and Spiderman are among just seven movies to gross over $400 million. Spiderman II grossed $373 million which places it among the top 10 all-time