Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A review of every movie BEFORE it comes out

I usually can forecast pictures pretty well and how they'll turn out:
Apocolypto-Following in the footsteps of The Passion of the Christ will be hard, and critics will probably compare this to Passion's standards. It might suffer from some animosity by people disturbed by Mel Gibson's comments and it might not, but it will definitely not make as much as Pasison of the Christ which made like $380 million and is in the all-time top 10 highest grossing films, so therefore the press will label it a failure and history will say that at was because of Mel Gibson's remarks and then even less people will see it, but that's silly. It's probably a good movie

Good German-Sounds like a winner. A good cast, not too recent in history, not too far back. Will probably just miss out on the oscars but hopefully not. Will probably be a big Matt Damon make-or-break it kind of role.

Good Shephard-The Steve Sodebergh/George Clooney black-and-white neo-noir thing will be hard to pull of. Sodebergh's movies lately have been more of a show of "ooooh, look at what new innovation i just came up with," and not be story heavy and without a soul, this will be more like Sin City than L.A. Confidential

For Your Consideration-It will probably be well-liked by Christopher Guest fans because Christopher Guest doesn't really dissapoint and no one else will really know about it

Deck the Halls-Probably be relentlessly bashed by critics because it's not really a quality movie and a step down for Matthew Broderick, but kids will like it and parents would probably rather take their kids to that than "Happy Feet" or another animated movie because it has a few likeable actors in it and they're sick of animated movies and by comparison they'll probably think this is good so it'll get a long shelf life on video and be replayed by a lot of TV stations during holiday time, like Elf is now (i'm hoping things go with the audience)

Nativity Story-Like Chronicles of Narnia last year, The Christian Right will love it. It'll have a small following and a few small oscar nominations, maybe.

10 Items of Less-Never heard of it

Dhoom 2: Back in Action-There was a Dhoom 1?

Deja Vu-This is Denzel Washington's 3rd or 4th or 5th role in a row as a tough jaded cop with some girl he's going to have to protect (hmmm, there was Out of Time, Man on Fire, etc.) so low on originality points. Denzel has a fan contingent though so i'll say it does decently and people like it

Turistas-Josh Duhamel and Melissa George. Well, Josh Duhamel might get some people but an episode of Las Vegas will probably score a little higher

Blood Diamond-This will probably be awesome. Like Last Samurai, Ed Zwick makes great period pieces that are solid in every way AND he will infuse it with a lot of action scenes. It will probably fall just short of getting an oscar nomination because it'll be seen as more of an action movie than a serious piece but isn't that what the audience wants? what's wrong with action?

Breaking and Entering-It will probably be good, i think it got good reviews when it was screened way back in the day. Low box office gross though

The Holiday-Has the potential to be as popular as Love Actually and be a 21st century romantic comedy for the ages, but who knows

Unaccompanied Minors-I have no reason to root for its failure but sadly it probably will

Days of Glory-Sounds like a good name for a movie, at least. Know nothing else about it. Wait, Wasn't there a racecar movie with Tom Cruise in like the early 90s/late 80s with that name?

Dreamgirls-It's got the 2004 7th place contestant from American Idol, Jennifer Hudson, Eddie Murphy, Beyonce, and Jamie Foxx. What a wierd agglomeration of a cast. Still it'll be loved and do well.

Eragon-I don't get fantasy. I'll personally stay away from it but since Lord of the Rings was a big hit, there's probably an audience that'll see this too if it's marketed well. Since no one read the book (is there a book?) , probably do really poorly

Pursuit of Happiness-Will not gross as high as Will Smith usually does, but will probably get some good reviews, maybe some awards, little to no audience because Smith is not beating up anything or blowing anything up

Venus-It'll win an oscar for best actor, i hear, but still no audience, until at least after it wins the oscar, then people might see it on DVD to see what was so great about the performacne

Night at the Museum-Will range from mildly dissapointing to mildly funny. Won't be artsy enough for the critics

Rocky Balboa-They actually went ahead and made this movie? Sylvester Stallone is so old he [insert old joke of your choice here]. It clearly won't be as good but with the way sequels go, people might just be duped enough to go see it and make it a commercial success

Children of Men-It's another classy movie but crowded among too many other good movies, it might get shut out. Michael Caine is in this movie too? He's kind of a workahaulic, isn't he?

We Are Marshall-I don't care how good this is, one football movie per year is enough and I already saw Invincible. Can we just have a Hollywood quota on number of inspirational sports movies focused on coaches? We already had Glory Road this year with Josh Lucas who looks a lot like Matthew McConnegheay anyway and Josh Lucas loks like Matthew McConnegheay if you squint your eyes, so even less reason to make this movie.

Curse of the Golden Flower-Nope

Notes on a Scandal-A movie designed for the sole purpose of giving Judi "Dame" Dench another oscar nomination giving her 1st place in all of history for number of oscar nominated roles in movies that no one has seen (Has anyone seen or heard of Mrs Henderson Presents, Mrs Brown, Iris?)

Factory Girl-The magazine that i'm reading has a lengthy feature article featured on this film, but other than that i've never heard anything. It stars the woman who Jude Law dumped for the housekeeper or something, but I just don't think that's enough to sell a movie these days.

Miss Potter-I hope it fails, because I don't want Rene Zellweger to get an oscar nomination. She'll give a really annoying speech thanking everyone she's ever worked and find ways to compliment them all that'll make me want to throw up. (e.g. "I'd like to thank my publicist, he was such a beautiful soul and inspirational being and source of love")

And finally....
Pan's Labrynth-It sounds like a cool name for a movie but do you see how many movies come out in December, already?

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