Plot Synopses from Fake Movie Titles

 I asked random friends and patreons to give me three fake titles of movies. The instruction is simply to put together combinations of words that sound like a movie and I have to pick two of three:

Liz Gray (Friend from D.C. Film Circles, Podcaster: Archivists Bet on Sexy Witches Podcast):

The Bonk Within, There is a Mark, The Coward Returns:

The Coward Returns-This is an apt description for the Count of Monte Christo (or even The Lion King) so it could be a Monte Christo with Serial Numbers Filed Off, but we could do a genre switch so it will have a tinge of originality. Let’s set it in space and make it Star Wars adjacent with lots of alien races and the appearance of a large mythology. This will be the set in the back stages of Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey with a Luke Skywalker-type coming through to save his homeland from an evil empire.

Directed by Colin Treverow (Jurassic World), starring Rob Arnell, Maya Hawke, Djimon Hounsou, Charlotte Rampling, Michael Gambon, Diego Luna

There is a Mark-A continental con artist comedy in the style of lavish films like “Gambit”, “Topkapi”, or “Charade” from the 60s. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Natasha Lyonne are the opposite of money launderers who have a reputable business that they use as a front for illicit doings. Instead, they pretend to be illicit operators so they can expose other bad guys and use the money for charity or to help clients. It will be partially set in Greece.

Directed by Riann Johnson, Starring Joseph Gordon Levitt, Natasha Lyonne, Justin Bartha, Jamie Camill, Selma Hayek, Michael Caine, Casey Biggs

Iman (Friend from Working on the 48 Hour Film Festival):

Casino, Gremlins, Wish Upon a Star

Casino-A Robert Altman-style look at all the important stakeholders in a Casino and the struggle to keep it afloat. There will be a partial irony in that we’re meant to root for the casino owners here. It will be set at an Indian reservation too, so it’s an opportunity to root for Native Americans. This will allow Taylor Sheridan (who incorporates Native Americans into his work) to stretch some new muscles with a larger ensemble film. And it has zero relation to the Martin Scorsese film.

Directed by Taylor Sheridan, Starring Gil Birmingham, Adam Beach, Jessica Chastain, Jason Isaacs, Noah Reid, Chaske Spencer, Kimberly Guerrero, Sam Elliott

Wish Upon a Star- I’m a bit limited here, because this is the kind of kid-centered optimistic film that Disney used to do in the 90s like “Beethoven”, “The Rookie”, or “Angels in the Outfield” that have gone out of style these days at the box office.. The title clearly alludes to a hopeless child being empowered by some superstitious ritual which is good for an audience of kids who are still struggling with whether to leave superstitions behind. It could be a Hallmark or Lifetime movie. The most successful example of a movie like this in the past decade is the 2017 film “Wonder”. Also, this year’s “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret.” 

Both were based on best-selling books, but we could always have Wonder author R.J. Palacio write the story itself and load it up with a couple big name stars.

Directed by Frank Darabont (this guy needs to make a return to film, this will ease him into it): Jackson Robert Scott (Locke and Key), Tom Hanks, Julianne Moore, James Franco, Tracee Ellis Ross, Jim Broadbent

Adam Spector (D.C. Area friend, DC Cinema Society Lounge Moderator):

The Final Danger; A Matter of Importance; Two Guys, One Girl and a Bar

Two Guys, One Girl and a Bar:

The submitter of this one was likely influenced by the 90s ABC show “Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place” which starred Ryan Reynolds. Is he suggesting Ryan Reynolds supposed to be in this as a winking nod to the similarities in title? Well, he’s gotta make a cameo.

This is going to be a romantic comedy (obviously) in which a female lead is a cook, and she is forced to choose between two guys as she dreams of opening a bar. One is a financier (Daniel Ratcliffe) while one is a senior cook (Taran Killam), so there are class differences in play. Her mom (Priscilla Barnes with a bit of a dye job) tells her she needs to be independent. In a sort of Pygmalion-like ending, she decides she needs to open the restaurant on her own, independent of the two guys who are crushing on her. She later gives the cook a chance to properly romance her.

Director: Taran Killam Writers: Taran Killam & Colbie Smulders Cast: Colbie Smuthers, Daniel Ratcliffe Tyler James Williams, Rob Riggle, Priscilla Barnes cameo by Ryan Reynolds

A Matter of Importance:

First things first, I’m going to assume this is about a plot that revolves around a secret, right? Secondly, this has gotta be a period piece, considering no one speaks like this anymore. So should we set it in England or the UK or some unnamed third country where the actors will do British accents anyway? Let’s just make it in England since it gives me an opportunity to cast the best actors. I don’t have any patience for Howard’s End/Downton Abbey property disputes among the upper class. We could make it a secret in love like Atonement. However, I will opt to make this political.

Set in the court of Queen Victoria, the matter of importance is a plot to make England parliamentarian again and assassinate an aging Queen. In this case, there will be a nice pacing mix between political maneuvering and against-the-clock action. In the case of the former, members of the ruling class try to contain a separatist government. In the case of the latter, two members of the royal guard (Henry Cavill, Sam Claflin) try to stop an assassin (Dean Charles-Chapman of 1917).

Director: Kepac Shakur Cast: Maggie Smith, Helena Bohnam Carter, Geoffery Rush, Ian Holm, Jim Broadbent, Henry Cavill, Dean Charles-Chapman, Sam Claflin, Iaon Gruffuld

Alex Escobar (Long-Time Friend, Realtor, Patreon):

Gas X: The Untold Story Behind the Other Miracle Pill; Pirates vs Ninjas; The Boy Who Could Lie

Gas X: The Untold Story Behind the Other Miracle Pill

This is going to be a satire of big pharma with Gas X pills. Duh. But it gets more complicated than that. This title handicaps itself from the start with such a crude title.

A certain percentage of the audience is probably not going to be up for the blue humor. Unless, it’s told by someone who already has a reputation for being crude and satirical. Weird Al just produced an autobiography of his life and is enough of a de facto film maker that I’d entrust him with this. Larry Charles was the director of “Borat” and “Bruno” which were both sufficiently low-brow. Mike Judge created Beavis and Butthead before moving onto “Office Space”, “Idiocracy”, “Extract” and the HBO show “Silicon Valley."

 My only hesitation is I don’t want to set up one of my favorite directors for failure. We also have Trey Parker and Matt Stone who I don’t like much, so if they screw up this film, no foul. Still, it’s been 14 years since Mike Judge has made a movie and I’ve enjoyed his three films so much that I’d want to green light him with a studio film.

As for the cast, someone like Mike Myers or Melissa McCarthy taking over the project would make it a vehicle for the star. As a result, I will aim for more of an ensemble feel.

Director: Mike Judge Cast: Will Ferrell, James Marsden, Kathryn Hahn, Zoe Chao, Thomas Middleditch, Kevin Nealon, Kumail Nanjiani, Maya Rudolph

The Boy Who Could Lie

I’m not that attracted to this title, but Pirates verse Ninjas is as self-referentially bleak as the 2006 ironic hit Snakes on a Plane, and my marketing department doesn’t have that much irony in their arsenal (sorry to diss you so bad Alex). As I said with “Wish Upon a Star”, I don’t think kid-centric films sell like they used to. So how do I give this edge if this has to be about a boy?

More so, how do I make anything other than a gender-switched Atonement (an award-winning period piece about a girl who wrecks the reputations off two would-be lovers by telling a lie about them)? If you want to go the comic route, and change the title to “The stub-nosed man who could lie” you’re looking at the 2009 comedy (that I quite liked) “The Invention of Lying.” This could be a prequel to that, but it doesn’t follow the internal logic of the first movie where Ricky Gervais discovered his powers as an adult. Oh Alex, you’re killing me, here!

I’ve got it! How about a semi-period piece (AKA 1950s-1960s) about a boy who’s a little psychopathic. It’s a psychological character study juxtaposed upon the mores of conformity from that era. For the lead, I’ll go with Lewis Partridge who is 20 currently. I imagine he could pull off playing someone who’s 15. It’s not that easy to find people who are 18-19. I’ll also cast some British people doing American accents for an upper-class affectation.

Director: Sam Mendes Cast: Lewis Partridge, Rosamund Pike, Xelia Mendes-Romas, George Segal, Holland Taylor, Corey Michael-Smith. Griffin Glucke, Daisey Ridley, Robert Sean Leonard

Mary Little John (Former TV reviewer, now writes fiction, We were both correspondents at TV Fanatic)

Empty Candlestick, Royal Purple, Every Wise Man’s Son

Empty Candlestick-This will be a very play-like movie with a limited amount of characters and cinematic elements. It will revolve mostly around Cardinal Richeliu (Christian Bale) and his attempts to educate Louis XIV about the art of war and leadership. In real life, Louis XIV of France became one of the most powerful leaders in European history but he inherited the crown at age 5. As a result, he had a lot of on-the-job learning, so to speak. The empty candlestick is a military metaphor, or a metaphor of how to rule, or how to properly practice diplomacy, or whatever you want it to be.  Hey, I didn’t choose the title.

Director: Luca Guadagnino (Call Me By Your Name) Cast: Christian Bale, Timothee Chalemet, Amira Cesar, Phoebe Wright

Royal Purple-This will be a spiritual sequel to Empty Candlestick with many of the characters from The Empty Candlestick also continuing the story here. Think Marvel is the only universe that can do cross-overs? Think again!

Reunited from “Inglourious Basterds”, Melanie Laurent and Daniel Bruhl play a couple who has been exiled from the French monarchy. The film’s first half will show them adjusting to life as commoners outside of the court and be a tale of resilience and awakening to the kind of life people live outside the walls. The second half will be a story of reunification with Bruhl entertaining an offer to return to the court and his half-brother the King (Chalemet).

True, Bruhl isn’t French, but all Europeans read alike to Hollywood viewers. I mean, for God’s sake, we’ve had John Malkovich, Luis Guzman, Charlie Sheen, Jim Caviezel, Orlando Bloom, Chris O’Donnell, and Luke Evans all play parts in Alexandre Dumas adaptations. So this will do.

Director: Luca Guadagmino Cast: Daniel Bruhl, Christian Bale, Melanie Laurent,  Michael Gambon, Timothee Chalemet, Amira Cesar

Every Wise Man’s Son-This will be the end of the critically acclaimed but probably not-so-profitable trilogy. Hey, audiences are dumb and will want to see more things explode, what can I say. Maybe, it will get the Downton Abbey crowd that loves period pieces.

This will center around Louis XIV passing on his legacy. Not just to his children but navigating the balance of power as forces of change seep in. Louis XIV didn’t live during the French Revolution, but he did overlap with the first wave of the Enlightenment and many of those figures were regulars at his court. I’m sure some of them had a thing or two to say about whether absolute power was in the best interests of man. Isn’t that some spicy drama?

We’ll stick with Timothee Chalemet and project a release date about 5-6 years from now. Who are we kidding though? He’ll need aging make-up as Louis XIV lived to his 70s.

Drector: Terry George (Hotel Rwanda) Producer/Writer: Luca Guadagmino Cast: Timothee Chalemet, Phoebe Wright, Alfred Molina, Matthias Schoenarts, Ben Whishaw, Juliette Binoche, Erick de Staercke

My annual patreon plea and my year in numbers

My Patreon Link

Friends, family, and colleagues,

Here is the link to my patreon (of which you can back out at any time) which gives you access to my unpublished articles and a limited amount of free service and consultation on writing or promotion, but there's one more important reason. Allow me to explain some numbers of mine in 2021:

$3,558.27-Amount directly paid this year for my writing including 2 humor articles, 10 radio interview write-ups, and 27 articles OR  $5,853.10 expected to be paid for 29 articles written during this calendar year within 14 different publications.  

The difference between the 2 numbers is arbitrary and while some might view it as progress, it’s important to note progress is never assured in freelance writing. In late 2018, three of  my outlets went out of business. My status at two newspapers this year dropped significantly when two editors, who valued me highly, left their positions. I also had to risk burning my bridge with one outlet when I made a stand to demand payment (fortunately, I survived).

.

Now keep in mind, the value of my work isn’t determined so much by my asking price or by the worth of my work by any industry standard. There is hardly any when one paper will pay me $350 for 500 words and another might pay me $75 for 850 words. Instead, how much I make is simply determined by whatever a newspaper can afford in an industry that continues to decline in revenue.

But how much do you think my labor is worth? Let’s say that a blog entry should be worth $100 and an article (where I either pull from historical resources, interview people, or look through public records) should be worth $200 minimum for me to have my labor be worth a reasonable standard. If every outlet could afford that much, I would have made an additional $2,963 which would have increased my take home by between 50-83%. Whenever, a news outlet uses me, they have to carve room out of their budget which (in some cases) might displace the work of a salaried writer but there are advantages a freelance writer has because a newspaper would lack freshness if they displaced a front page staff.

Let’s also keep in mind that in order to get work, I often have to pitch and occasionally, I take the risk and write up the whole article. Of the 19 articles I found in a quick search through my outbox, 9 articles were fully written and 3 articles had a pitch (with links) that were 5 paragraphs or more (fortunately, some are recycled from last year or can be recycled next year). On top of that there were 36 blog entries in addition to a number of patreon and medium posts and continued experimentations with my own YouTube channel

Which brings me to the next question: How much is the value of my work worth to you? Before I put the thought into it that led me to write this letter, I was wondering how I can ask money from others when there are such big atrocities going on in Afghanistan or Ethiopia. However, I’m not asking for charity. I’m asking you to incentivize me to do more writing if you, in fact, appreciate my journalism (or even the role local journalism can play in general).

How much value do you attach to my more serious journalism I contribute? For example, there's work on the polyamory’s battle for rights in the D.C. court system, the perils of the pandemic to D.C.’s souvenir industry, the Denver transit system’s substitution of mental health professionals for a police force (article link), leading psychiatric experts discussing how to beat the second semester slump during the pandemic, the environmental degradation of DC’s Tidal Basin and its effect on the Cherry Blossom Festival (article link), Falls Church seniors readjusting to society as newly vaccinated individuals (Article Link), or upcoming stories on the Afghan refugee resettlement in Northern Virginia or West Virginia public transit troubleshooting the opioid crisis?

Or perhaps, my human interest work such as the world-class runner who made the surprising decision to retire before the Olympics (Article Link), Alexandria City sending their first entrant to the Scripps National Spelling Bee, the National Stuttering Foundation (Article Link), a puperseria run by a Salvadorean who narrowly escaped death in that country’s civil war (Article Link), an international champion a capella group commenting on the accuracy of Pitch Perfect (article link)  or National Symphony Orchestra musicians comparing their experiences as elite classical musicians between those and sitcomdom (article link) or dozens of others (full list below). My writing on the entertainment industry can be found here and my cultural writings can be found here, Additionally, I also write about my pitches and how to pitch so others can become educated on the journalism process and I offer to help patreons one-on-one and publish and promote their own work.

This, friends, is the only thing that could make a difference for me in an industry that’s adapting too slowly to market changes that would give me full value. If, for example, you left a penny for an article I get paid for on Medium or most pay-per-content sites, you’d increase the value of my work tenfold. 

This past year, my patreon increased my take-home pay by $721 or 20.1% and it was based mostly on $2, $2.50, and $5 pledges.

I’m not an artsy Bohemian who is determined to squalor to do what I love. I am always on the look out for ways to make money and interview for positions. In 2021 alone, I made some money working on a political campaign in Georgia, I worked in exchange for room and board doing hurricane relief in Louisiana, I made money through usual side gigs of Amazon and Honey-Baked Ham, I had five PR clients (of which 4 have paid), and I was able to do a little bit of archival work (Covid-19 disabled access for much of the year). I, in fact, wrote 44 articles during a different 12-month period between 2018 and 2019 but I’ve been able to be more selective as of late because of alternative methods of funding. 

The last number is undefined: In 2022, I’m those interested in community journalism or my writings determine how much I can profitably write. Whatever you decide, I appreciate you for reading if you made it this far.

Sincerely,

Orrin Konheim

My list of 2021 articles in full:

2021:

 

1 Falls Church Music Director Mary Jo West wins a Fullbright Scholarship. She’s won a Grammy just for teaching music so she’s the real deal. Article Link               

Falls Church News Press                     Published January 4^th                                                                                                         

2 The state of the souvenir industry in DC with the pandemic

DC Line                                                  Paid/not published                                             

3 The history of Harland Sanders and KFC

American History Magazine               Published/not paid                                             

4 Revival of Nancy Lisi’s bluegrass band

Alexandria Zebra Mag                         Printed/Paid                                                        

5 Review of film Midway

Smithsonian Magazine                        Printed/Paid                                                        

6. Newly Vaccinated Starting to Re-emerge in Society Article Link                                           

FCNP                                                       Printed/Paid                                                        

7. The Polyamory Community fights for rights. Article Link

The DC Line                                           Paid/not published                                             

8 Beating theSecond Semester Slump Article Link       

Wash. Family Mag                                Paid/published                                                    

9. Savannah Voice Fest Tests the Waters Article Link

Savannah Connect                               Paid/Published                                                    

10. Apollo 11- The 20^th Century’s Biggest Quarantine                                                                 

Today I Found Out dot com                Paid/not published

11. Temple Rodef Shalom’s Founding Rabbi Berkowitz Dies Article Link

FCNP                                                       Paid/published                                                    

               

12. Apartment Safety has Limited Lifestyle Benefits Article link

FCNP                                                       Paid/published                                                    

13. Falls Church Teen Trains to Become a Pilot Article Link                                       

FCNP                                                       Paid/published                                                    

14. Savannah Couple Pioneers Life-Saving Wearable Baby Monitor Article Link

Savannah Connect                               Paid/published                                                    

15. Andy Bayer Hangs Up Spikes Before Olympics Article Link

Podium Mag                                          Paid/published                                                    

16. Savannah Voice Festival Debuts New Opera

Savannah Connect                               Paid/published                                                    

17.Stuttering Foundation Celebrates 75^th Anniversary Article Link

Savannah Connect                               Paid/Published                                                    

18. Are the Olympics Marketing the Wrong Running Sports Article Link

RunBlogRun                                          Paid/Published                                                    

19. Spelling Bee Contestants Get Ready to Compete in Washington DC  

Washington Family Magazine            Paid/Not Published                                             

20. Denver Transit and other Systems Attend to Mental Health Article Link

Transit Mobility Blog                            Paid/published                                                    

21. World’s Foremost Olympic Historian Speaks about Tokyo Olympics Article Link

Run Blog Run                                        Paid/Published (with errors)                            

22. Local Security Company Named One of Georgia’s Best Midsize Firms Article Link

Savannah Connect                               Paid/Published                                                    

23. Comic Book Artist Anna Diffyil and SCAD Student’s Work Selected for Exhibition Article Link

Savannah Connect                               Paid/Published                                                    

24. Alexandria’s Metro School of Arts Opens up First Revue Article Link                Article Link                          

Zebra Magazine                                    Paid/Published                                                    

25. Savannah’s African Art Museum to Host Educational Workshops Article Link

Savannah Connect                               Paid/Published                                                    

26. Opening of Reagan’s Airport Feels Like a Tuesday to Most Article Link

Zebra Magazine                                    Paid/Published                                                    

27. One of the Bor Brothers Qualifies for the Olympics Article Link

Podium Magazine                            Published/Almost Ready to be Paid        
28. The West Virginia Transit Association’s Handling of Opioid Crisis                       

Transit Metro Mobility Blog               Paid/Not sure about publication status           

29. Afghan Translator turned Refugee Readjusts to Stability in Northern Virginia

Northern Virginia Mag                   Finalized/Slated for Feb. Publication/Unpaid      

30. Counselor to the Stars for Remote School                    

Washington Family Life                 Greenlit/Not Yet Written/Deadline 1/5               

31. YouTube Piano Playing Star

Zebra Magazine                                                Greenlit/No access as of yet

32. BYU TV Star Tori Pence is Utah Famous

Richmond Style Weekly                                Not greenlit/Access obtained

33. Local YouTube Star Malinda Kathleen Reese Launches New Channel

DC Line                                                 Greenlit/Access not obtained

34. Volunteer article written to raise money for New Orleans

Synagogue newsletter                  Published/Unpaid

UnGreenlit Articles 2021 (asterisk means evergreen as in still has future potential):

1 Interview with Oakton-Born Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey                                    

Oakton/GF Sun Gazette                               Greenlit/Access revoked on account of Mayor’s Busy Schedule

2 Pitch: Oscars in the Age of Asterisk*

Film/Conservative Publications  Rejected/No response                                  Fully Written

3. Jewish Spirituality in Arlington

Arlington Magazine                         Rejected                                                              5 paragraphs

4. Richard Halliburton: World Adventurer Who Swam Panama Canal for 25 Cents*

Atlas Obscura/TodayIFoundOut                Rejected/No response

5. University of Maryland has Three Jewish A Capella Groups: Sustaining a Crowded Art Form*

Washington Jewish Week            No verdict rendered/Leaning against it

6. Coast Guard Officer Seeks to Write Screenplay Highlighting his Branch of Service*

Researching Where to Pitch It   

7. Should Virginia Students Go Out of State to College? Why or Why Not?*

NoVa Magazine/Arlington Mag Rejected             

8. Tweaking the Olympics Sport by Sport

Humor/Running Magazines         Rejected                                              Fully Written

9. Arlington as an Ideal Aging in Place Model*

NoVa Mag/Arl Mag                         Rejected

10. The Invented Controversy of Elon Musk

Amer. Conservative/Wash Post                Rejected                                              Fully Written

11. Essay on the haphazard decision to see my great-uncle before his death*

Not pitched yet                                                Fully Written

12. Reworked #11 on my family heritage in the town of Great Neck, New York*
                                                                Not pitched yet                                                Fully Written

13. The evolution of this Jew’s relationship with Jesus (AKA Christian Evangelicals)*

                                                                Not pitched yet                                                Fully Written

14. Reflections on My First Time Being Accused of Racism*

                                                                Not pitched yet                                                Fully Written

15. Lois and Clark and What Superman Says About Journalism*
American Cons/Wash Post/Spool             Pitching more                    Fully Written

16. Dark Side of Sports*                               

                                                                Pitching more                                    9 Paragraphs

17. Aaron Sorkin Self-Assured*                

                                                                Pitching more                                    Fully Written

18. SNL’s Bloated Cast*

                                                                Rejected                                              5 Paragraphs