I asked random friends and patreons to give me three fake titles of movies. The instruction is simply to put together combinations of words that sound like a movie and I have to pick two of three:
Liz Gray (Friend from D.C. Film Circles, Podcaster: Archivists Bet on Sexy Witches Podcast):
The Bonk Within, There is a Mark, The Coward Returns:
The Coward Returns-This is an apt description for the Count of Monte Christo (or even The Lion King) so it could be a Monte Christo with Serial Numbers Filed Off, but we could do a genre switch so it will have a tinge of originality. Let’s set it in space and make it Star Wars adjacent with lots of alien races and the appearance of a large mythology. This will be the set in the back stages of Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey with a Luke Skywalker-type coming through to save his homeland from an evil empire.
Directed by Colin Treverow (Jurassic World), starring Rob Arnell, Maya Hawke, Djimon Hounsou, Charlotte Rampling, Michael Gambon, Diego Luna
There is a Mark-A continental con artist comedy in the style of lavish films like “Gambit”, “Topkapi”, or “Charade” from the 60s. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Natasha Lyonne are the opposite of money launderers who have a reputable business that they use as a front for illicit doings. Instead, they pretend to be illicit operators so they can expose other bad guys and use the money for charity or to help clients. It will be partially set in Greece.
Directed by Riann Johnson, Starring Joseph Gordon Levitt, Natasha Lyonne, Justin Bartha, Jamie Camill, Selma Hayek, Michael Caine, Casey Biggs
Iman (Friend from Working on the 48 Hour Film Festival):
Casino, Gremlins, Wish Upon a Star
Casino-A Robert Altman-style look at all the important stakeholders in a Casino and the struggle to keep it afloat. There will be a partial irony in that we’re meant to root for the casino owners here. It will be set at an Indian reservation too, so it’s an opportunity to root for Native Americans. This will allow Taylor Sheridan (who incorporates Native Americans into his work) to stretch some new muscles with a larger ensemble film. And it has zero relation to the Martin Scorsese film.
Directed by Taylor Sheridan, Starring Gil Birmingham, Adam Beach, Jessica Chastain, Jason Isaacs, Noah Reid, Chaske Spencer, Kimberly Guerrero, Sam Elliott
Wish Upon a Star- I’m a bit limited here, because this is the kind of kid-centered optimistic film that Disney used to do in the 90s like “Beethoven”, “The Rookie”, or “Angels in the Outfield” that have gone out of style these days at the box office.. The title clearly alludes to a hopeless child being empowered by some superstitious ritual which is good for an audience of kids who are still struggling with whether to leave superstitions behind. It could be a Hallmark or Lifetime movie. The most successful example of a movie like this in the past decade is the 2017 film “Wonder”. Also, this year’s “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret.”
Both were based on best-selling books, but we could always have Wonder author R.J. Palacio write the story itself and load it up with a couple big name stars.
Directed by Frank Darabont (this guy needs to make a return to film, this will ease him into it): Jackson Robert Scott (Locke and Key), Tom Hanks, Julianne Moore, James Franco, Tracee Ellis Ross, Jim Broadbent
Adam Spector (D.C. Area friend, DC Cinema Society Lounge Moderator):
The Final Danger; A Matter of Importance; Two Guys, One Girl and a Bar
Two Guys, One Girl and a Bar:
The submitter of this one was likely influenced by the 90s ABC show “Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place” which starred Ryan Reynolds. Is he suggesting Ryan Reynolds supposed to be in this as a winking nod to the similarities in title? Well, he’s gotta make a cameo.
This is going to be a romantic comedy (obviously) in which a female lead is a cook, and she is forced to choose between two guys as she dreams of opening a bar. One is a financier (Daniel Ratcliffe) while one is a senior cook (Taran Killam), so there are class differences in play. Her mom (Priscilla Barnes with a bit of a dye job) tells her she needs to be independent. In a sort of Pygmalion-like ending, she decides she needs to open the restaurant on her own, independent of the two guys who are crushing on her. She later gives the cook a chance to properly romance her.
Director: Taran Killam Writers: Taran Killam & Colbie Smulders Cast: Colbie Smuthers, Daniel Ratcliffe Tyler James Williams, Rob Riggle, Priscilla Barnes cameo by Ryan Reynolds
A Matter of Importance:
First things first, I’m going to assume this is about a plot that revolves around a secret, right? Secondly, this has gotta be a period piece, considering no one speaks like this anymore. So should we set it in England or the UK or some unnamed third country where the actors will do British accents anyway? Let’s just make it in England since it gives me an opportunity to cast the best actors. I don’t have any patience for Howard’s End/Downton Abbey property disputes among the upper class. We could make it a secret in love like Atonement. However, I will opt to make this political.
Set in the court of Queen Victoria, the matter of importance is a plot to make England parliamentarian again and assassinate an aging Queen. In this case, there will be a nice pacing mix between political maneuvering and against-the-clock action. In the case of the former, members of the ruling class try to contain a separatist government. In the case of the latter, two members of the royal guard (Henry Cavill, Sam Claflin) try to stop an assassin (Dean Charles-Chapman of 1917).
Director: Kepac Shakur Cast: Maggie Smith, Helena Bohnam Carter, Geoffery Rush, Ian Holm, Jim Broadbent, Henry Cavill, Dean Charles-Chapman, Sam Claflin, Iaon Gruffuld
Alex Escobar (Long-Time Friend, Realtor, Patreon):
Gas X: The Untold Story Behind the Other Miracle Pill; Pirates vs Ninjas; The Boy Who Could Lie
Gas X: The Untold Story Behind the Other Miracle Pill
This is going to be a satire of big pharma with Gas X pills. Duh. But it gets more complicated than that. This title handicaps itself from the start with such a crude title.
A certain percentage of the audience is probably not going to be up for the blue humor. Unless, it’s told by someone who already has a reputation for being crude and satirical. Weird Al just produced an autobiography of his life and is enough of a de facto film maker that I’d entrust him with this. Larry Charles was the director of “Borat” and “Bruno” which were both sufficiently low-brow. Mike Judge created Beavis and Butthead before moving onto “Office Space”, “Idiocracy”, “Extract” and the HBO show “Silicon Valley."
My only hesitation is I don’t want to set up one of my favorite directors for failure. We also have Trey Parker and Matt Stone who I don’t like much, so if they screw up this film, no foul. Still, it’s been 14 years since Mike Judge has made a movie and I’ve enjoyed his three films so much that I’d want to green light him with a studio film.
As for the cast, someone like Mike Myers or Melissa McCarthy taking over the project would make it a vehicle for the star. As a result, I will aim for more of an ensemble feel.
Director: Mike Judge Cast: Will Ferrell, James Marsden, Kathryn Hahn, Zoe Chao, Thomas Middleditch, Kevin Nealon, Kumail Nanjiani, Maya Rudolph
The Boy Who Could Lie
I’m not that attracted to this title, but Pirates verse Ninjas is as self-referentially bleak as the 2006 ironic hit Snakes on a Plane, and my marketing department doesn’t have that much irony in their arsenal (sorry to diss you so bad Alex). As I said with “Wish Upon a Star”, I don’t think kid-centric films sell like they used to. So how do I give this edge if this has to be about a boy?
More so, how do I make anything other than a gender-switched Atonement (an award-winning period piece about a girl who wrecks the reputations off two would-be lovers by telling a lie about them)? If you want to go the comic route, and change the title to “The stub-nosed man who could lie” you’re looking at the 2009 comedy (that I quite liked) “The Invention of Lying.” This could be a prequel to that, but it doesn’t follow the internal logic of the first movie where Ricky Gervais discovered his powers as an adult. Oh Alex, you’re killing me, here!
I’ve got it! How about a semi-period piece (AKA 1950s-1960s) about a boy who’s a little psychopathic. It’s a psychological character study juxtaposed upon the mores of conformity from that era. For the lead, I’ll go with Lewis Partridge who is 20 currently. I imagine he could pull off playing someone who’s 15. It’s not that easy to find people who are 18-19. I’ll also cast some British people doing American accents for an upper-class affectation.
Director: Sam Mendes Cast: Lewis Partridge, Rosamund Pike, Xelia Mendes-Romas, George Segal, Holland Taylor, Corey Michael-Smith. Griffin Glucke, Daisey Ridley, Robert Sean Leonard
Mary Little John (Former TV reviewer, now writes fiction, We were both correspondents at TV Fanatic)
Empty Candlestick, Royal Purple, Every Wise Man’s Son
Empty Candlestick-This will be a very play-like movie with a limited amount of characters and cinematic elements. It will revolve mostly around Cardinal Richeliu (Christian Bale) and his attempts to educate Louis XIV about the art of war and leadership. In real life, Louis XIV of France became one of the most powerful leaders in European history but he inherited the crown at age 5. As a result, he had a lot of on-the-job learning, so to speak. The empty candlestick is a military metaphor, or a metaphor of how to rule, or how to properly practice diplomacy, or whatever you want it to be. Hey, I didn’t choose the title.
Director: Luca Guadagnino (Call Me By Your Name) Cast: Christian Bale, Timothee Chalemet, Amira Cesar, Phoebe Wright
Royal Purple-This will be a spiritual sequel to Empty Candlestick with many of the characters from The Empty Candlestick also continuing the story here. Think Marvel is the only universe that can do cross-overs? Think again!
Reunited from “Inglourious Basterds”, Melanie Laurent and Daniel Bruhl play a couple who has been exiled from the French monarchy. The film’s first half will show them adjusting to life as commoners outside of the court and be a tale of resilience and awakening to the kind of life people live outside the walls. The second half will be a story of reunification with Bruhl entertaining an offer to return to the court and his half-brother the King (Chalemet).
True, Bruhl isn’t French, but all Europeans read alike to Hollywood viewers. I mean, for God’s sake, we’ve had John Malkovich, Luis Guzman, Charlie Sheen, Jim Caviezel, Orlando Bloom, Chris O’Donnell, and Luke Evans all play parts in Alexandre Dumas adaptations. So this will do.
Director: Luca Guadagmino Cast: Daniel Bruhl, Christian Bale, Melanie Laurent, Michael Gambon, Timothee Chalemet, Amira Cesar
Every Wise Man’s Son-This will be the end of the critically acclaimed but probably not-so-profitable trilogy. Hey, audiences are dumb and will want to see more things explode, what can I say. Maybe, it will get the Downton Abbey crowd that loves period pieces.
This will center around Louis XIV passing on his legacy. Not just to his children but navigating the balance of power as forces of change seep in. Louis XIV didn’t live during the French Revolution, but he did overlap with the first wave of the Enlightenment and many of those figures were regulars at his court. I’m sure some of them had a thing or two to say about whether absolute power was in the best interests of man. Isn’t that some spicy drama?
We’ll stick with Timothee Chalemet and project a release date about 5-6 years from now. Who are we kidding though? He’ll need aging make-up as Louis XIV lived to his 70s.
Drector: Terry George (Hotel Rwanda) Producer/Writer: Luca Guadagmino Cast: Timothee Chalemet, Phoebe Wright, Alfred Molina, Matthias Schoenarts, Ben Whishaw, Juliette Binoche, Erick de Staercke
