Surfing-The idea of making the Olympics more groovy through the addition of surfing culture is pretty solid. I’m sure we can find some great Jeff Spicolo types to do for the Summer Olympics what Shaun White or Chloe Kim do for the Winter games. The problem is how do you control Mother Nature? Does everyone get the same size waves? It also looks indiscernible to the layman what the difference between winning and losing looks like. It seems like everyone stays afloat for a few seconds and crashes. Honestly, the scoring seems as arbitrary as that episode of Batman where the Joker challenges Batman to a surf-off.
Weightlifting-No offense, but I’ve never been that impressed with the people who just brag about how much they can bench. I didn’t get a chance to see this one, but is that all this sport is? If so, this seems more like a supplement to a Jersey Shore reality show rather than something I want to see in the Olympics. Besides, I’m guessing there are only two things that happen: You either can or can’t lift the bar bell. Where’s the drama in that?
Marathon Swim-Yes, it’s super-admirable to swim 10km out in the open ocean. But for god’s sakes, don’t put the entirety of the 10 km on TV. With the exception of the last 500 meters, every point in the race looks like every other point in the race. If anything, the picturesque sight of these swimmers traversing the open ocean is photographic is better suited as a photographic screensaver than video form. Maybe just have them pose for a photo shoot and put them on a water taxi bound towards the end of Tokyo harbor and have them duke it out at the end. No one will know the difference.
Decathlon/Heptathlon-The winner of this is event is considered the world’s best athlete but in reality, the event is mostly about achieving mediocrity across the board. The athletes’ marks in each event are generally what would get them a walk-on spot on a mid-major Division I team. So for starters, let’s ease up on the hype.
The other problem is that each event is looong with a capital L-O-O-O-O-N-G. Why go through a full high jump and full pole vault competition? This means you’re watching 25ish competitors find the Goldilocks distance where it’s not too easy but not too hard to jump over the bar. Why six javelin throws. I get that it’s exciting to exhaust the competitors so that they hobble through a mile at the end so that they’re times are comparable to DIII walk-ons, but let’s not exhaust the audience.
Shotput- Is it me or is the competitor getting a hickey from a steel bowling ball? I feel like this event was just the beta testing for all the cooler things we could throw (i.e. large steel yo-yos, steel frisbees, spears). Maybe we can replace the shotput with something cooler like a watermelon (and smash it a la Gallagher) or axes?
Fencing-it’s a moderately exciting sport but shouldn’t style matter? The competitors look like they’re fighting for scraps of garbage on the version of Earth that Wall-E takes place in? Instead of dressing up like 22nd century microwave meals, why not cosplay like Musketeers?
Mountain Biking-Love this sport. In fact, I even watched about 50 minutes of the replay on Peacock. However, it’s kind of odd that when a biker gets a flat tire or something else is wrong with the bike, they just sit there and pout while waiting for a replacement or I don’t know what they’re doing. Can we have a spare bike or pit crew?
Equestrian-The only thing that can be done with horses that closely resembles sport is racing those horses against each other. Traditionally, when that happens the jockeys are tiny and the horses get the credit. Did equestrian form so that the big boys and girls could play with horses in a competitive way and not have to go fast?
Trampoline-Yes, it’s fun to jump on a trampoline but there’s no way this isn’t gymnastic’s bastard cousin. In gymnastics, you have to prove yourself capable of flipping, holding yourself up with massive upper body strength, and artistic routine, timing your movement and landing so that — God forbid — your feet don’t move. In trampoline, you just jump with childish glee. You don’t even have to dismount or land properly. It’s almost if the judge is paying as much attention as a teenage lifeguard at the Ramada Inn.
Archery-I was excited to see this before I realized it was people doing the same thing over and over and over. Just add a little variety and I think you’ll see some results. The basics are moving the target but, hey, this is a humor article, so I’m not in the business of sensible ideas. How about: 1) Giving your opponent liberty to distract you three times a match 2) Having a dry round, a tipsy round, and a blackout drunk round 3) Offering free drinks if you can finish all your arrows in under two minutes 4) Shooting an apple off a loved one’s head to break a dead heat (although the Swiss might run away with that one)
Synchronized Swimming-You would think this is an easy target for a humor article, but I actually didn’t find much wrong with this at all. It’s one of the most ridiculous combinations of things — being underwater and group dancing — -but somehow it works.
Track and Field (All women’s events)-I kind of understand the spirit of wearing a bathing suit in beach volleyball. However, It simply can’t be comfortable running in your underwear. Are women, coaches, and the sport collectively ok with this?
Mixed 4 X 4 Relay-Do we have to keep finding ways to reward sprinters with more events? This is just plain unimaginative. We know it’s the same thing. If you’re going to add something, distance medley relays are often the most exciting event in track or even a sprint medley relay.
Field Hockey-This sport gets a thumbs up from me but it surprisingly has the same problem as ice hockey which is I often can’t see the ball. This also has a reverse problem of penalties as soccer does. As opposed to soccer which goes into penalties too often on account of low scores, penalties truly are a last ditch resort as the scores are generally higher. The problem is that unlike soccer, the penalties are twice as exciting as the field play. As a result, we need to amp up the level of excitement in regular time so we’re not rooting for penalties.
Race Walking-I’ll give credit to this sport for the charming 1966 film “Walk Don’t Run”, but this is what 70-year-olds do at a retirement community when they’re trying to get to the early bird special. In no way, shape, or form is this remotely a dignified way to earn a gold medal. Considering, it’s not contested on the professional track circuit or the NCAAs why haven’t the Olympics wised up and dropped this event?
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