Thursday, July 07, 2011

Things I will do for you for money....

Inspired by the craigslist guy who will do anything for a price as well as's Robert Brockway let me offer my services:

Price Negotiable: I will shill for anything you want as long as it isn't illegal, go against the general tenets of the US Consitution, and doesn't involve the cruel and unnecessary murdering of animals or Puerto Ricans. Anything else, I will do for a price but depending on how much I believe in that cause. However, keep in mind, I have some integrity. If you want me to advocate for bringing back Swastikas to school uniforms, for example, that might be a very high price since I don't think it's a good idea.

$0.53 I will tell you if anyone in the cast list of any film of your choice has ever been nominated for an academy award without looking it up and with one hand tied behind my back. (If I am wrong, I will pay you $1)
$0.72 I will channel the ghost of silent scren star Lillian Gish and answer any questions you might have about anything through her
$0.97 I will leave any inflammatory comment on any blog of your choice and take the heat for it
$1.19 I will learn the words to and sing any Oscar-winning song in the shower (this won't be tape recorded, but you are welcome to come to my bedroom next to the shower and listen, or ideally, just take my word for it)
$1.68 I will describe you in no more and no less than 12 adjectives. (11 cent surcharge if I have to pull out a thesaurus)
$1.75 I will friend your mom or dad on facebook. Conversely, I will also message your mom or dad on facebook and explain to them nicely why you have just defriended them
$2.00 I will vote for any political candidates you want in any mock elections on
$2.05 I will dedicate no less than 3 facebook status messages proclaiming your awesomeness
$2.14 I will personally explain to you what the difference betwen a line producer, an executive producer, an associate producer, and any other type of producer are until you get it. (If this takes over an hour, there will be a 61 cent surcharge for every half hour we go over)
$2.21 First-hand research (of a very specific nature) I will tell you what it says under the census record of Kirk Douglas, Donna Reed, Dwight D Eisenhower or Tony Curtis for the 1920 Census. I once looked it up in the National Archives
$2.55 I will give you an imaginary census record for any famous person
$2.58 I will sell out my family. My second cousin once removed is Richard Dreyfuss. My dad once stayed at his parents' house in California and has met him 3 times. I have met him twice. I will give you any inside scoop I have
$3.18 I will tell you what came first: The chicken or the egg
$3.29 I will cast your life story into a movie (I might need access to photos/ facebook pictures for this task)
$4.00 I will write a review of any film you like using an exact number of words and I will include no less than 3 pairs of sentences that rhyme with each other. [Rental charges may apply]
$4.00 I will attempt to get the attention of any celebrity you want on twitter for you. (only requires pay if I succeed) ($1.10 surcharge if person has over 500,000 followers, $2.00 surcharge if the person has over 800,000 followers)
$4.15 I will ask 5 random people on my AIM chat list what they think of your latest blog entry.
$4.24 I will pretend that you have been cast in any film outside the American film Institute's top 100 films and write a review
$4.74 I will pretend that you have been cast in any film on American Film Institute's top 100 films instead of the actor who was cast and will write a review of your performance
$5.23 I will rewrite any blog entry of yours in Spanish
$5.30 I will explain to you why I don't want to translate your blog entry into Klingon and how that's a stupid thing to want to do with your time
$5.75 I will write any movie review you like and insert into it any five words of your choice into the review making them appear seemlessly into the review
$6.00 I will write the life story of any facebook friend of yours just by looking at their pictures
$6.21 I will write a review of your facebook photos as if it were an art show
$8.56 I will write a review of your life story as if it were a movie review

$10.49 I will send a query letter to Hollywood asking them to produce your life story
$21.03 I will sit through Ocean's 12 or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and take pictures of myself suffering throughout the whole ordeal

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Camilla said...

Not sure how I ended here, but this was excellent!

Camilla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.