Critiquing Alan Sepinwall and Matt Zoller Seitz's Top 100 TV Shows of All Time

As someone who's written listicles, I know it's annoying to
have people on the comment section going "what about this?" but my
hope is to explain theories for the context of choices, suggest alternatives,
and entertain. I also hope to make history as the first person to critique
their work while bubble bathing.

I tried very hard to get it under 20 minutes before
giving up but you have my permission to click around as I count down from 100.
Around 2:00 is when I get to the inherent challenges of a TV canon and I
actually start the list at 4:48.

Alan and Matt's book is:

TV (The Book): Two Experts Pick the Greatest American Shows of All Time.

The authors of this book and I would likely agree that there isn't as established of a TV canon as there is in moviedom because most of the writing about television has generally been by TV Guide and Entertainment Weekly and it has been narrowed around "What to Watch This Week" until the past decade or so. In contrast, film has been seriously analyzed and different decades and auteurs have been matched up against each other since the days of Pauline Kael and the French New Wave.

One downside to this is that TV best-of lists have a lot less variation (everyone loves MASH, I Love Lucy, Mary Tyler Moore Show, Cosby Show, etc) and a lot more reliance on ratings to establish what has been the canon (this book's list of shows matches up very closely to how well those shows dominated over their rivals in their ratings).

Another funny thing about a TV best-of list is that to get anything resembling a popular consensus, you need the public to have had some sort of accessibility to the list and entire generations have gone without seeing some of the classics of this list. I for one have never seen All in the Family or Moonlighting because it wasn't on in syndication when I was growing up (I'm generally in the school of thought that good art has to find its way to you and not the other way around).

Even then the socio-economic factors that make a show popular is more pronounced in this meeting because a lot of these shows weren't designed to appeal to broad audiences in the present and film (a director-driven medium) is somewhat more aimed at timelessness. Others might disagree but I'd argue that many shows like Roseanne, Family Ties, and Golden Girls don't particularly age well when watching them in the present day. The clips I've seen of All in the Family seem like a show about a very whiny and shrill family.

My suggestions for classic work that should be considered are: Looney Tunes, Threes Company, Get Smart and Beverly Hillbillies

Contemporary Shows which could have been interesting choices include: Homeland, Better off Ted, Party Down, The Good Wife, Modern Family, Orange is the New Black, Cougar Town, Scandal, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Man in High Castle, American Horror Story, and Empire

Lastly, shows that took off after the book was released that could be worthy include: Lodge 49, BoJack Horseman, The Americans, Black Mirror, Lady Dynamite, Crashing, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, The Last Man on Earth, The Good Place, Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Derry Girls, Glow, Silicon Valley, and Review

Top 25 TV Characters of 2013

In order to prep for my upcoming 2014 Top 25 TV characters list, I realized, I actually have to post my top 2013 TV characters. Last year's list can be found here (http://sophomorecritic.blogspot.com/2013/05/25-characters.html). There's also my Top 10 of last year here.

1. Claire Danes as Agent Carrie Mathison, Homeland-She topped last year's list and is still the best character on TV for my money. The dynamic has shifted as she now has respect of her peers (whichever of them are left) but the chip on Carrie's shoulder never seems to go away. While the show continues to maintain high levels of tension in a world that never seems to become safe (then we'd no longer have a show), there's nothing wrong for the viewer to be happy to see Carrie's status improve and that pathos is a big part of the show. Carrie also benefited this season from being separated from Brody leaving viewers to conclude that she was the less dispensable star of the series. Here's to top billing for Carrie in Season 4.

2. Mark Feuerstein as Dr. Hank Lawson, Royal Pains-Even if “Royal Pains” isn’t the most ambitious show on television, Hank Lawson is one of TV’s most relevant heroes considering the healthcare crisis that’s only intensified since this show premiered in 2009. Hank is such an uplifting character and has a maverick quality to him. He's just a desperado concierge doctor equipped with a scalpel, lightning-quick diagnosing abilities and the mysterious ability to constantly be around some of the rarest medical emergencies ever recorded

3. Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute, The Office-And the big winner of the "Next Michael Scott" sweepstakes is (drumroll) Dwight! This is a big turn from a couple years ago in which Dwight was not the best choice for a boss and several years removed from when Dwight was the most ridiculous guy in the entire office (It also inadvertently helped that Kevin got dumber).

4. Damien Birchir as Det. Marco Ruiz, The Bridge-Marco Ruiz is a new iteration of an American hero (and hey, considering the US will be majority Latin-American in 2050, it totally fits that the new Gary Cooper is Latino). He's the modern-day Gary Cooper had Cooper existed in as imperfect of a time and place as the Mexican-Texan border in the 21st century. An Oscar nominee, Birchir brings a great gravity to the role and his emotional showdown with Tate on the eponymous (hopefully I'm using that word correctly) bridge was one of the highlights of the series.

5. Vera Farmiga as Norma Bates, Bates Motel-Farmiga, an Academy Award nominee who should have scored a couple more nods by now, gives a very multi-layered performance that's careful not to rush too deep beneath the surface as the mother of the future iconic knife-wielder. There are no easy diagnoses with which you can label Norma (or what Norma's inflicting on others) in this simmering psychological thriller. Plus when push comes to shove, Norma can handle herself with a knife.

6. Robert MacElhenney as Mac, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia-It's a testament to the great writing of this show that the five leads are continually being developed in interesting directions nine seasons in. Mac's massive weight fluctuation and his ambiguous sexuality, however, are just the writers toying with us. This season's "Mac Day" (which gave us Sean William Scott as Mac's doppelganger) was a pivotal exploration of the lovable karate aficionado who has increasingly become a tangled ball of contradictions whether it's skinny/fat, straight/gay, polite/brusque, religious/amoral or whatever the writers want to throw in there. For more on the fluid nature of Mac's sexuality and other Sunny mysteries, read here.

7. Matthew Lillard as Daniel Frye, The Bridge-Daniel Frye is who I want to be as a journalist and as soon as I finish this column, I'm going to go to the nearest bar and develop a drinking problem. But in all seriousness, I love this guy: He has absolutely no regard for other people or for himself. The only thing keeping his life from unraveling entirely is that he's on the heels of his next story. Frye provided us with the most unexpectedly heartwarming story of the show's first season in his attempts to face down his alcoholism and his budding friendship with colleague Adriana (Emily Rios).

8. Mandy Patinkin as Saul Berenson, Homeland-Berenson is not just a static character: He's rock solid. I would want a man like this running the CIA. He's deeply caring about the people in his custody (see: Aileen Morgan from Season 1), slow, pensive, and has a host of other good qualities. If there's one little nitpick I have, Saul's marital problems seem like an unnecessary cliche to tack onto a character who's personal life doesn't necessarily have to be messy. The good news is there's less of that in Season 4.

9. Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope, Scandal-Kerry Washington is a fantastic actress who has long deserved a breakout role like this. I haven't been a regular watcher of the show but I'm happy that a character like Olivia Pope---someone at the epicenter of politics and a gateway point to discussion about Washington's inner working- and an actress like Kerry Washington are becoming prime water cooler talk.

10. Corey Stoll as U.S. Rep. Peter Russo, House of Cards-Alas, poor Peter Russo, we hardly knew ye. As the world within House of Cards becomes more and more hellish, we have the memories of the one idealist who almost made a difference in the system. By the time of his exit, Stoll's Peter Russo won the audience over with his sincerity.

11. Keri Russell as Elizabeth Jennings, The Americans-I've devoted a lot of effort show to complaining about the show's realism and even went so far as to interview the head of Washington's Spy Museum to prove a point. While I might find her character absurd, I can see her as a great character (perhaps even the best character on television) under a hypothetical that her character makes sense. Keri Russell, who wins the award for biggest 180 from her previous TV role as an angsty college student in "Felicity", is fiercely committed to her ideology and occasionally quite lethal as deep cover Russian spy Elizabeth.

12. Lucy Liu as Watson, Elementary-The female reimagining of Watson is a fresh twist on one of history's most iconic stock characters in TV and it's a great role for Lucy Liu as well. The chemistry between Liu and Johnny Lee Miller is a tricky one to navigate. In some versions of Sherlock Holmes, Watson is the caretaker to an idiot savant. Here, the pair is in a symbiotic and equal relationship which is what I've always preferred.

13. Robert Lowe as Chris Traeger, Parks and Recreation-One of those eureka moments watching "Parks and Recreation" recently was realizing that Chris Traeger was the heart of the show. His positivity and warmth were indicative of the tone of a show that's considered one of TV's biggest hang-out fests. The abnormally positive person with a hint of sadness underneath made for a fascinating character and I responded well to the idea of him working on himself and his anxieties rather than just immediately finding a cure for loneliness. On top of this, Chris Traeger is far-and-away the best role in Rob Lowe's long career.

14. Taryn Manning as Pennsatucky, Orange is the New Black-Some might feel she was overplayed, but I found her highly amusing. The reformed bible belt poster girl (who ironically met her fate in prison through multiple abortions) was a satire of new wave evangelicalism but a sympathetic character nonetheless. Pennsatucky wasn't the show's deepest character but she was an ideal foil to Piper and I saw a lot of depth in every one of Pennsatucky's physical mannerisms and tics. Whenever she was on screen, you knew something amusing would happen.

15. Alia Shawkat as Maeby Funke, Arrested Development-One can pick any number of characters from here, but in terms of a character really going in reverse yet spinning her wheels in exciting ways, Maeby was hard to top. In her latest ploy for parental attention, the 22-year-old voluntarily flunks her senior year of high school for five straight years.

16. Jim Jefferies as Jim, Legit-Like his Australian counterpart Jason Gann ("Legit" and "Wilfred" comparisons, at least to me, are unavoidable), Jefferies doesn't have any sort of gimmick like dressing up in a dog suit. In fact, Jefferies doesn't do much all day at all but he goes about it in a charming way. It's also amusing how his attempts at self-improvement mainly affect his roommates' life views for the worse (to the consternation of Mindy Sterling). This is a show (and protagonist) based on a stand-up comic that works because it is so congruent with his comedic vision.

17. Dean Norris as Hank Schrader, Breaking Bad-I thought that Hank would go the way of Skyler and call off his crusade once he realized Walter White was family. When the moment came, Hank surprised me and sharply defined the difference between being a good cop and being a man of integrity.  People rave about the show's final season and while it was "stunning" (I can't honestly tell you whether it was stunning on my free will as the critical mass has drowned out any capacity at independent thought on "Breaking Bad"), Hank's steadfast character was the one thing that really threw me for a curve.

18. Taylor Schilling as Piper Kerman, Orange is the New Black-For all the attention, the show has gotten on its plethora of supporting characters, I'd maintain that a show based on a first-person memoir is only as strong as its lead. Piper, front and center, is our audience surrogate to a unique and highly unfamiliar world. It is her slow transformation from naive waif to prison-hard that grounds the show. The character gets a lot of criticism for being everything from naive to selfish, but I'd argue that she would do exactly as well as any of us would in prison, if not better.

19. Freddy Highmore as Norman Bates, Bates Motel-Freddy Highmore came to prominence in child roles in the mid-2000's with "Finding Neverland" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." Now he's all grown-up and I couldn't be happier to see a child star nailing such an adult role. 

20. Chelsea Peretti as Gina Linetti, Brooklyn Nine Nine-I've written elsewhere that I don't enjoy Brooklyn Nine Nine anymore. In my opinion, the show suffers greatly from a balance issue: The charaters are too crazy for even a straight man of Andre Braughter's calliber. But Gina is such a well-crafted brand of crazy, her antics are almost immune to this balance issue. For me, there's no other reason to watch this show than Gina. For some of her golden dialogue, see this Buzzfeed article 23 Reasons Gina is the Best Character on TV


21. Diane Kruger as Sonia Cross, The Bridge-With all the "Orange is the New Black" standouts, I was thinking of including 3 OitNB cast members but at the end of the day, "The Bridge" had three very strong characters all of which should be honored. Aside from being one of the most realistic portrayals of aesperger's being shown on screen, Sonia is also a great showcase for Diane Kruger. All the social awkwardness of an aspie character is flipped when a beautiful woman has those traits


22. Julie White as Anne, Go On-A very strong bittersweet character from this gone-too-soon series. She was on last year's list and she got even richer as time went on.

23. Katharine McPhee as Karen Cartwright, Smash-The modern "42nd Street" reimagining is only as good as its Ruby Keelor.  McPhee plays the Broadway ingenue as a girl-next-door type who can amp up her sex appeal if the show demands it. There was something interesting about a hard working showgirl who's sex appeal was a professional afterthought. (full disclosure: I only watched approximately three episodes of "Smash")

25. Frances Conroy as Myrtle Snow, American Horror Story: Coven-"A bitchier version of Hogwarts" is an apt description for the show's best season to date. The season started off on the wrong end of creepy (particularly the protagonist-as-necrophiliac angle) but started to pick up steam as the witches started convening in New Orleans for a high-stakes witch-off of sorts. The show's third season was most successful at maintaining a playful tone while building up a mythical world. Among the parade of fun derivations of the standard witch trope was eccentric aunt Myrtle whose outfits and personality tics were never uninspired. A worthy foil for Fiona (Jessica Lange) and the mother Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) never had, may she rest in peace.

25.  Dan Bucatinsky as Jerome, Web Therapy-Bucatinsky won an Emmy last year for his guest stint on Scandal, but I remember him best as the highly entertaining pushover under the thumb of 3-minute web therapist Fiona Wallice. Wasn't it ironic that he interacted with Lisa Kudrow with such a different power dynamic in "Scandal" when she guested?
(full disclosure: It is still really difficult for me to tell which episodes of Web Therapy premiered when and this is all complicated by the fact that much of the Showtime series is derived from a web series sold on ITunes that premiered two years earlier. It's entirely possible that 2013 Jerome perished or became satanic)

Honorable Mentions: Annet Mahendrus as Nina Krelova, The Americans; Danielle Brooks as Taystee, Orange is the New Black; Darby Stanchfield as Abbey Whelan in Scandal; Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth Sr. on Arrested Development; Jessica Lange as Fiona in American Horror Story; Justin Bartha as David Sawyer in The New Normal; Lauren Benanti as Lauren, Go On; Luke Wilson as Levi Callow, Enlightened; Maria Bamford as DeBrie Bardeaux, Arrested Development; Michaela Watkins as Janice, Enlightened; Mike White as Todd, Enlightened; Nolan Gould as Luke, Modern Family; Sarah Paulson as Cordellia, American Horror Story; Ty Burrell as Phil, Modern Family

Belated Top 25 characters in TV: 2012

1. Carrie Matheson, Homeland (Claire Danes)-Carrie has been through hell and back and you know the show has hooked you when you desperately want her to be redeemed. Carrie is firm in her resolve, intelligent, and has the traits of a great action hero, yet she still remains unequivocally feminine.
2. Nicholas Brody, Homeland (Damien Lewis)-It takes a great performance by Damien Lewis to pull all these contradictions and facades together. My only complaint is now having learned one of the best American characters I’ve seen on TV is British. I did not see that coming. 
3. Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation (Amy Poehler)-The year that Leslie’s outsize ambitions finally met up with reality. It’s either a testament to the show’s growth that Leslie has come a long way from the godawfully awkward version of the same character we used to have.
4. James van der Beek, Don't Trust the B--- In Apartment 23 (James van der Beek)-Celebrities satirizing themselves are nothing new (Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, the guest stars from Extras, etc) but James van der Beek one ups them by diving head-first. What I find most interesting about his character is how as a celebrity he has everything a normal TV character could want (wealth, power, fame, romance) so he seeks to reinvent himself each week in increasingly superfluous ways.
5. Olivia Pope, Scandal (Kerry Washington) - Although she's based on Washington PR's Judy Smith (with a heightened sex life for dramatic purposes), Olivia Pope is her own creation. It would be hard to portray someone so appealing and self-assured that every power player in Washington wants to hire her and and the US President is uncontrollably in love with her, but Kerry Washington (a consummate working actor for the past decade) sells it.
6. Sister Mary Eunice, American Horror Story (Jessica Lange)-She's partially being awarded a high spot because Lange is riding the residuals of her Emmy-winning performance as the playfully flirtatious antebellum-mannered neighbor Constance in Season 1. The plot of AHS's second season is a mess but there are plenty of great characters. Like the first season, Lange steals the spotlight as disciplinarian nun Mary Eunice who also turns out to be a dynamic (English literature term for characters that change, not the other definition. That's all the spoilering I'll give) character. Compliments go to whoever directed that trippy dancing sequence and to Lange's dialect coach for that wonderful variation of the traditional Boston accent.
7. Phil Dunphy, Modern Family (Ty Burrell)-Superdad made my list last year, and he's certainly worthy of return. It's no wonder that the new season of Arrested Development referenced Modern Family here and there, as Phil is truly stuck in arrrested development and happy to be there. (Also: See last year's list)
8. Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad (Aaron Paul)-My obligatory Breaking Bad inclusion. The TV Critics Association fines me if I don't include it.
9. Agent Van Alden, Boardwalk Empire (Michael Shannon)-Likely the most obscure actor to get an Oscar-nomination in the past 10 years, Shannon is a wonderful foil to Steve Buscemi's Nucky Thompson. He brings such an energy to the role that I'm convinced Shannon really enjoys that old-timey dialogue. More pragmatic then he is obsessive, Van Alden is very much a shade of gray.
10. Kenneth Parcell, 30 Rock (Jack McBrayer)-It took Kenneth Parcell six seasons to grow on me. Of all the characters on 30 Rock, I might very well miss this uber-morally square one the most. Especially when you consider how unlikely it is that another character on TV will ever come along like him again. Unlike Liz, Jack or Tracy, Kenneth could only exist as a funny  and effective character when sandwiched between business-savvy executive, the overworked CEO, and the two empty-headed divas.
11. Schmitty, New Girl (Max Greenfield)-Greenfield successfully convinces us that Schmitty is both the dorkiest guy in the room and someone alluring enough that Cece (Hannah Simone) would want. Getting a model as a girlfriend tends to disqualify you in the former category.
12. Margaret, Boardwalk Empire (Kelly McDonald)-If you shift the focus to Margaret, Boardwalk Empire could almost be seen as a Prohibition-era version of Breaking Bad. Margaret, being the epitome of morality, makes a deal with the devil in her marriage to Nuckie and slowly starts to accept corruption into her life. One of the stronger stories of the series.
13. Dallas Royce, Suburgatory (Cheryl Hines)-One of the more underlooked pieces of the show, she is part of the out-of-it sanitized suburbia that Tessa fears so much, yet she is so comfortable in her skin (not to mention her low-cut dresses), that it's hard not to be won over by her (inexplicable, considering we're on Long Island) Southern charm. Indeed, she has carved her way into the hearts of both father and daughter Altman.
14. Stefon, Saturday Night Live (Bill Hader)-I admit I’m a little behind the curve in recognizing Stefon despite being an avid Saturday Night Live watcher. Two years ago when Stefon and creator John Mulaney were making the press rounds, I had no idea who he was.  Well, I’m happy to report I’ve caught up on my Stefon watching and I’m equally enamored with this lovably bizarre party insider. Unlike “What’s Up With That” or half of the other SNL characters, there’s a lot of room for diverse jokes with every Stefon outing, and even more room for creativity with the sketch’s ending.
15. Wilfred, Wilfred (Jason Gann)-We still don’t know exactly what Wilfed is and here’s hoping we never will.
16 and 17. Cheryl Tunt and Pam Poovey, Archer (Judy Greer and Amber Nash)-Whoever thought that the secretarial clerk and HR rep at an international spy agency could be the most fun characters to watch? Major points go to Adam Reed and company for giving continuity to the highly tenable character bullet that Cheryl is worth a half billion dollars but still shows up to a crappy job every day that she doesn’t appear to be all that crazy about. Bonus points for giving Pam a more active sex life this year as well.
18. Anne, Go On (Julie White)-Anne immediately struck me as the most multi-layered and unique character within Go On's ensemble cast and she's paid off in dividends. She can't easily be pigeonholed as she’s a little bit of everything: Supportive and loyal yet grouchy and blunt. Both desperate and confident. Open to the world around her but wanting to shut people out. Most importantly, Anne’s a confused soul and a complete three-dimensional character. She strikes the perfect balance between individualistic instincts and the need to belong that is the show’s main theme.
19. Lana Peters, American Horror Story (Sarah Paulson)-The level-headed journalist (who's lesbianism was surprisingly well-handled for a Ryan Murphy show) kept us relatively steady in a world that got increasingly ridiculous. She sold some of the show's best moments.
20. Selina Meyers, Veep (Julia Louis-Dreyfuss)-The program of Veep is particularly original on the whole but I give JLD marks for nailing the character. It's too bad The Thick of It and In the Loop came out first.

21. Tim, Life and Times of Tim (Steve Dildarian)-Take the most tragi-comic episodes of Seinfeld or It's Always Sunny and multiply them by a factor of 10 and you get perhaps the most unluckiest character ever conceived in the history of television. Tim is a 25-year old urbanite constantly in danger of losing his job, his girlfriend, or the respect of his friends and nothing in his external circumstances seems to be helping him any (think a walking Murphy's Law). As Tim goes out of existence this year with the non-renewal of the show (perhaps, the least buzzed-about show in HBO’s history), someone needs to give him a little love and this list might as well be it. Besides, Tim had a relatively good year: He didn’t get urine thrown at his face by a WNBA player (that was Amy), he was promoted to Vice President (likely not for long), and didn’t get caught when he stole the boss’ dog back. Of course, I haven't seen the series finale.
22.Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation (Chris Pratt)-See last year's list
23.Kylie Sinclair, Last Resort (Autumn Reeser)-Kylie's first on screen appearance is on the backend of a date with an aide for a senator she's trying to lobby, as she's talking about submarine schematics while making his mouth water as she undresses. Trying to introduce a character as knowledgable AND sexy within a talkative sex scene isn't anything particularly new (see Faye Dunaway in Network), but in Autumn Reeser and Last Resort's hands, Sinclair projects a confidence and duality that works here.
24. Morgan, Mindy Project (Ike Barinholtz)-It's been a few years since Ike Barinholtz was on the sinking ship known as the final seasons of Mad TV, and thank god, he found a good vehicle to return with. Morgan, the ex-con male nurse, is wonderfully unashamed of being a male nurse and pretty much devoid of inhibitions in general which makes him a wonderful foil for the uptight trio of doctors in charge 
25 (tie). Principal Stark, Unsupervised (Sally Kellerman)-Principal Stark-The kind of supporting character whose backstory could fill a novel, Principal Stark is a fine blend of pragmatism, strong-willed determination, and at times, sheer laziness. Her odd approach to running a school leads to some of the show’s funniest moments whether it's pepper spraying a kid who discriminates against a gay student or offering to send the lowest-scoring kids to grade school. And she’s voiced by Sally Kellerman who apparently is still alive. MASH fans rejoice!
25 (tie). Mr. Woolfe, Suburgatory (Rex Lee)-Chatswain High's closeted guidance counselor advisor came out of the closet in hilarious fashion at the start of the year ("Oh and one more announcement, I'm gay. So from will be driving a Miatta. Please let me know if you have any questions"). The way Rex Lee chirpily delivers the dreariest suburban platitudes gives Mr. Wolfe the most laughs per minutes on screen for a TV character with limited screen time.

Scandal: We have a dialogue problem

Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 makes for a great guilty pleasure because it's so simultaneously brilliant and terrible. It's not devoid of the brilliant storyelling instincts and the style of Sorkin, but it also epitomizes his greatest flaws as a dialogue writer and places them in the worst possible context (a comedy show): characters in varying walks of life who all have a minimum IQ of 150, sound the same, and like to discuss a minimum of three topics at once.

I've watched a handful of episodes of Scandal in non-sequential order and even without being familiar with the overarching story arc, I find it very engaging. It's got a great sense of its setting (the upper echelons of D.C. politicos), it has one of the strongest protagonists on TV in Kerry Washington's scandal fixer Olivia Pope, and it has a wonderful sense of pace and style.

But the dialgoue is another story. I haven't read many other reviews of the show (I wanted to be unbiased) and don't know if others have commented on this, but the dialogue is so annoyingly Sorkinesque. It seems as if the ghost of Sorkin circa 2006 has possessed the writer's room.

Here's a snippet of dialogue in the latest episode I just watched, "The Other Woman" (Season 2, Episode 2) between the White House chief of staff and his same-sex partner who also happens to be a major political reporter:

[Reporter wakes up WH chief of staff at 5 in the morning]

"Ethiopia's closing"

"Wait, what?"

"We waited too long, Ethiopia's closing. We can't get a baby too long unless we can pull some strings. Can you pull some strings?"

"Sweetheart"

"Frankly I think we should go for a domestic adoption. There are a lot of babies in our own backyard who need homes"

"Its 5 a.m."

"I quit my job Cyrus. I'm an award-winning journalist and I ----"

"Oh, you won one award in college. It wasn't even Ivy League for God's sake---"

"I was on the short list for the pulitzer in 2009. That's like winning. I quit my job to take care of you and the fat, smushy baby you said we're gonna have. But there's no baby, where's the baby, Cy?

[Reporter gets out of bed and paces around]

"You've been dragging you're feet. That ends now. I want a baby. And Middlebury's just as good as the Ivy League, you highbrow, conservative snob. I can't believe I fell in love with a Republican"

"Being on the short list is not 'Like' winning. [shouting] Winning is like winning"

[Reporter storms out of room]

"Baby!"

Thumbs up for creating drama and tension. Thumbs way down on being realistic. This is not how normal people interact. The reporter, in particular, sounds like he needs to be medicated for mania, especially considering he woke his lover up in the middle of the night to discuss this. When Bradley Cooper's character in Silver Linings Playbook woke his parents up in the middle of the night and started ranting, it was very clearly established that he was mentally ill.

In Scandal, characters are so intense that they come off as mentally ill, rude, or clueless. It's understandable that characters with the ambition to get positions of high power leading fast-paced lives will be Sorkenesque but nearly every character in Scandal's universe sounds and talks like this. When Olivia's associates Harrison and Abby are visiting the morgue, they have this conversation with an ubersnarky coroner working the night shift:

"Can I help you or do you two just like to watch"

"Abby Whelan and Harrison Wright. We're with Olivia Pope and Associates handling Pastor Drake's arrangements"

"You know we're backlogged but you can leave a number and I'll call you as soon as I get to him"

"Yeah, the thing is the family wants an open casket and ----"

"---- and unless the pastor is going topless in his coffin the incision will be well-hidden. I don't mean to brag but I'm something of an artist"

Are we supposed to believe this is how she speaks to everyone entering the morgue? For all she knows, Harrison and Abby are two ordinary people inquiring about funeral arrangements.  Her job description isn't entirely centered around customer service but she deals with people who are inquiring (and might be distraught) about people who have been violently murdered. Instead of using any degree of sensitivity, she talks to them worse than the rudest waitress you've ever had.

Abby (Darcy Whelan) is likely my favorite character on the show because she's so over-the-top with her snarkiness, that it has a certain theatricality to it. She reminds me of a sharper version of Aubrey Plaza on Parks and Recreation or Natasha Leggero on the short-lived Free Agents. When the gang walks into the room of a dead minister lying dead on top of his mistress who's handcuffed to the bed, Abby gleefully deadpans "We found him!" There's no reason Abby's character would possibly have to say this in that situation if she has any sense of professionalism, but it has a sort of wink to it.

Another thing wrong with the dialogue is excessive expositioning, wherein nearly everything the characters are saying is a blatant attempt to establish their character traits to the audience and make little sense in a natural conversation.

This happens in spades all over the episode: In a presidential pow-wow, there's an heated debate between the president and one of his aides and the aide counters by emphatically stating "Mr. President, I graduated from the naval academy, taught at the naval war-" before being cut off. This is a guy who's on screen for approximately 17 seconds (thanks Hulu!) and the screenwriter felt the need to use that time to establish his character in dialogue as if the uniform with dozens of medals on it didn't do the job.

We haven't even gotten to the next commercial break when Quinn -- Olivia's new associate and pet project -- is tracked down by Huck as she's running away to San Diego. When she sees Huck, Quinn proceeds to spill out the turmoil of her life story to him. As Huck is ONE OF THE WORLD'S BEST PERSONAL INVESTIGATORS AND KNEW ENOUGH ABOUT HER TO TRACK HER DOWN TO SAN DIEGO, this makes no sense. We need a better reason to justify this conversation.

Two minutes later, the head of the CIA is on screen for twenty seconds and one of his three lines is "I'm the Director of the CIA!" Sheesh! If organically establishing characters is too difficult for this show, maybe they should put large name tags on their chests?